I AM THE ANGRIEST GEEK IN THE WORLD!
 

LIKE MOESHA, BUT WITH "ANA"

 

1. Moana/Disney Wknd/$ 55.5 Total/$ 81.1

2. Fantastic Beasts & Where…/WB Wknd/$ 45.1 Total/$ 156.2

3. Doctor Strange/Disney Wknd/$ 13.4 Total/$ 205.1

4. Allied/Paramount Wknd/$ 13.0 Total/$ 18.0

6. Trolls/Fox Wknd/$ 10.3 Total/$ 135.1

5. Arrival/Paramount Wknd/$ 11.3 Total/$ 62.4

7. Almost Christmas/Universal Wknd/$ 7.6 Total/$ 36.7

8. Bad Santa 2/BG Wknd/$ 6.1 Total/$ 6.1

9. Hacksaw Ridge/LGF Wknd/$ 5.5 Total/$ 52.2

10. The Edge of Seventeen/STX Wknd/$ 3.0 Total/$ 10.3

LIKE MOESHA, BUT "ANA"

Moana opens at number one to the surprise of no one and at the end of the previous decade Pixar took over running the Disney animated department, which had fallen on hard times. How hard? Let's run down this list from that 10 years: Bolt, The Princess & The Frog, Meet the Robinsons, Chicken Little, Lilo & Stitch, A Christmas Carol, Dinosaur and Brother Bear. Yeah, exactly. Now, this is what Pixar did in that same time: Wall-E, Up, Finding Nemo, Monsters Inc, The Incredibles, Ratatouille and Cars. Basically the inverse of one another. One produced mostly classics (Cars and the cooking rat movie are the rare Pixar misses) and the other produced mostly duds (and I loves me some Lilo & Stitch). Since Pixar took over it's been Tangled (which they almost totally revamped), Wreck It Ralph, Big Hero 6 and of course Frozen. And now with Moana they've raised Disney's animated department to their level. This is as good as a Pixar film. I am not kidding. It's a fucking musical---which I despise---and it's still amazing. I will be buying this fucker the second it's available. This is not to say it's reached the emotional depths of movies like Up or Inside Out but it's as much fun as the first Toy Story or A Bug's Life (the underrated gem) and damn sure better than Cars (everything is better than Cars). Basically, it's the movie Brave should have been. It's even aware of itself enough to make jokes about the other Disney movies. Again, so good I didn't mind the musical numbers (I know what the goddamn story is and don't need it sung to me).

THE QUEEN BASICALLY ORDERS YOU

Fantastic Beasts And Where to Find Them is down to number two, still printing money for the JK Rowling factory. I never read a single Harry Potter book and was forced to see but one film so this is meaningless to me. Meaning. Less. I'm just happy to see an indie boy like Eddie Redmayne get a way to pay the bills. It's the traditional route. Nicholas Cage didn't become a ginormous whore until after he got his Oscar, Halle Berry did Catwoman right after her Oscar and Charlize Theron did Aeon Flux after hers. Gotta get that paper. I think being English, being in a Harry Potter movie is like an obligation. Like a period piece about the monarchy, they all have to do it at least once.

HIS BLAND AMERICAN ACCENT DIDN'T HELP

Doctor Strange is down to number three and also in this in the grand Marvel tradition of wasting good to great actors as dull, one-note villains is Mads Mikkelsen who, like all the other actors in this film would have been a better Doctor Strange than Benedict Cumberbatch. In their scenes together he just basically wipes the bland Brit off the screen….like Chiwetel Ejiofor or Bendict Wong or Tilda Swinton… But he does this a lot in his movies and even on TV. If you've had the misfortune of seeing the remake of Clash of the Titans, he's the best thing about it. Walking sheet of blank paper Sam Worthington didn't stand a chance against him. That he ruled Hannibal as the titular character over Hugh Dancy goes without saying.

ANGELINA JOLIE SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT COMING THEN

Allied opens at number four in yet another attempt at "counter programming" against the other escapist fare, apparently not realizing adults have to take their kids to all the above movies. I honestly want to see this. It looks like Mr. & Mrs. Smith: 1942 and I don't have a problem with that at all.

OTHER ALIENS I MEAN

Arrival is down to number five and given that everyone is in a comic book movie these days, this will now be known as "That Time Hawkeye Teamed Up With Lois Lane to Speak To Aliens."

SHUT UP AND RELEASE ANOTHER ALBUM

Trolls is down to number six and add it to the list of Justin Timberlake failures. Seriously. $135M from $125M budget is not a raging success and now that something worthwhile has been released with actual memorable music, kiss it goodbye.

THIS TIME THE AUDIENCE FUCKED SANTA BY NOT GOING

Almost Christmas is down to number seven, followed by Bad Santa 2 opening at number eight and who the hell asked for this? Seriously. The highlight of the first was Gilmore mom (oh, you go look up her fucking name if you care so much) humping Billy Bob while repeating "Fuck me, Santa. Fuck me, Santa." Similarly, the highlight of this one seems to be the big-titty redhead from Mad Men (oh, you go look up her fucking name if you care so much) wanting to be done doggystyle behind a dumpster and thanks to the Red Band trailer I've seen it. Billy says doing the Fargo series convinced him good work could be done on TV. I'd say it was more the shit he was being offered for theatrical releases that did it.

ONLY THROUGH BART SIMPSON CAN WE EVEN THE SCORE

Hacksaw Ridge is down to number nine and also in this is Theresa Palmer and I don't know why, but I'm always glad to see her working. I just feel she got a raw deal as the "New Pretty Blonde." What's funny is she's one of three Australians in this movie. Hugo Weaving and Rachel Griffiths are also here trotting out their regional American accents. I see them all sharing a giant Foster's after work and laughing their asses off about how they do it better than actual Americans.

IF THE SONG ISN'T IN THIS I'M NOT WATCHING IT

Finally, The Edge of Seventeen is down to number ten and I actually wanted to see this, but didn't know it was out. Oh, well. Thankfully, Netflix is fulfilling my indie film needs in my old age. The title obviously comes from the Stevie Nicks song which comes from her meeting Tom Petty's first wife who in her regional accent told Nicks that she and Petty had met at the "age" of seventeen, but sounded like "edge." And no, it's not about an older woman boning a younger man. Sorry to kill that for you.

 

RECOMENDATIONS:

Books

Doctor Strange

Superman: For All Seasons

All Star Superman

Batman: Year One

Batman: The Dark Knight Returns

Bert Stern Adventures

Marilyn Monroe: The Last Sitting

Betty Page: Queen of Curves

 

Movies/TV

Pitch Perfect

Lilo & Stitch

Tangled

Wreck It Ralph

Frozen

Up

Wall E

The Incredibles

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Music

Childish Gambino

The 1975

Echosmith

Panama Wedding

POP ETC