I AM THE ANGRIEST GEEK IN THE WORLD!
 

MAKE 'ER TALK, TUBO

 

1. Suicide Squad/WB Wknd/$ 20.7 Total/$ 262.3

2. Sausage Party/Sony Wknd/$ 15.3 Total/$ 65.3

3. War Dogs/WB Wknd/$ 14.3 Total/$ 14.3

4. Kubo & The Two Strings/Focus Wknd/$ 12.6 Total/$ 12.6

5. Ben Hur/Paramount Wknd/$ 11.4 Total/$ 11.4

6. Pete's Dragon/Disney Wknd/$ 11.3 Total/$ 42.9

7. Bad Moms/STX Wknd/$ 8.1 Total/$ 85.5

8. Jason Bourne/Universal Wknd/$ 8.0 Total/$ 140.9

9. The Secret Life of Pets/Universal Wknd/$ 5.8 Total/$ 346.7

10. Florence Foster Jenkins/Paramount Wknd/$ 4.0 Total/$ 146.9

HE'S NOT EVEN MAKING SONGS FOR THEM ANYMORE...AND NO ONE ASKS HIM TO

Suicide Squad holds at number one and much like Batman v. Superman: Something, Something Justice, being generally reviled by critics and audience alike has not affected its box office take all that much. It's one of those movies where curiosity seems to drive audiences to see it because they cannot believe it's as bad as people make it out to be and they think they'll at least have some fun. Needless to say people are finding out the hard way that this isn't the case but by then it's too late. They've got your money and you've lost two hours of your life you're not getting back. And it still may not be enough simply because Warner Brothers continues the mistake of high expectations leading to ridiculous promotional budgets. Rather than being cautious, they continue to think they're going to make Marvel-level money by simply throwing anything up on the screen. They're wrong and in an attempt to hedge their bet by having reshoots have doomed this barely breaking even when it might have actually turned a profit. Sadly, Will Smith will take breaking even as his days of being the King of Summer ended over a decade ago, his last summer hit being Hitch in '05. Yeah, it's been that long. Since then it's been a slow decline in both big budget films and even smaller dramas, Oscar nominations not withstanding. He's still huge overseas, where After Earth made 3x as much as it did domestically and where this is also doing better, but studios make their money at home and he ain't doing that. The last successful summer film helmed by a Smith was The Karate Kid, starring Jaden. This is why Bad Boys 3 is coming soon to a theater near you. No, I'm not kidding. You know things are bad when you need Martin Lawrence.

JUST…NO

Sausage Party holds at number two and this has apparently taken a great deal of the audience from Suicide Squad. Why am I not surprised that anyone who'd like Suicide Squad would be into this? Me, I'm not even remotely curious. The only thing that repels me almost as much as seeing Seth Rogen onscreen is "something from the mind of Seth Rogen."

CRY HAVOC AND LET LOOSE THE DOUCHEBAGS OF WAR!

Speaking of repellant people onscreen, War Dogs opens at number three and it's almost brilliance to put Miles Tellar and Jonah Hill together thereby keeping the amount of douche confined to one movie. The greater irony being, while they are seemingly perfect for their based-on-a-true-story roles as two asshole, douchebag arms dealers, I can't imagine sitting in a theater and looking at the two of them for two hours. Hell, I don't think I could make twenty minutes!

KUBO & THE UNDEVELOPED SCREENPLAY

Kubo and The Two Strings opens at number four and I was sorely disappointed by this because the trailer looked so amazing and these guys always do good visual work, but seem to stumble when it comes to storytelling. Now, Paranorman wasn't badly told it's just what it wound up telling me I didn't care for. There's always been darkness in children's films since Bambi, but they took it too a new level and this isn't so different as the first time we meet Kubo we find out he's wearing an eye patch because his grandfather, the Moon God, took it out and wants the other. Yeah, really. Again, fairy tales have always been dark like that, so that's not the problem here. The problem is we get no real sense of the world in which Kubo lives. His grandfather is a god and given how he feels about mortals it's probable his daughters are full gods as well and not demi-gods, which mean that's is what Kubo is: demi-god. This explains how his guitar has the power to create origami that moves. Only no one seems shocked or surprised by this. It's not established if they see it merely as a trick or magic is just that common in the world. Like in all fairy tales he story begins when Kubo does what his mother tells him not to, which in this case it hide at night so The Moon God can't find him. They are subsequently found out and his mother is apparently killed by her evil sisters, but not before spiriting Kubo on away and bringing his Monkey charm to life to guide him on his quest to find invincible armor to prepare for his eventual confrontation with his grandfather. And this is where it comes apart as the monkey tries to warn Kubo about how he uses his power but there is no learning curve and no guidance. He goes from animated origami to building an entire ship out of leaves. Even Luke had to drop the ship. Also there's a "reveal" about the characters that join Kubo on his quest that comes far too soon (not to mention being fairly obvious) and honestly the story belongs more to one of them than Kubo and might have been better told from their point of view. Ultimately this is just very lovely to watch but not much else. And we'll discuss a bunch of white dudes using Japanese culture to tell a story and having all of two Asians involved another time.

CHARIOTS OF FIRE! NO, THAT'S TAKEN.

Ben Hur opens at number five and who the hell thought this was a good idea!?! Yes, there's a whole new Christian film market but they all cost about $25 to make so are guaranteed to make a profit. You don't spend $100M and think you're getting your money back from such a narrow audience. The broad majority of people do not want to be preached to and it's no secret that Ben Hur is more a Christian story than the simple adventure story the way all the ads are desperately trying to convince you. Want to trick people into seeing this? How about not fucking calling it Ben-Hur!?! "Chariot Revenge" would have gotten more people into the theater than fucking "Ben Hur." Or better yet, set it in space or in a post apocalyptic landscape. But doing the same old shit again…

THEY DO ALL LOOK ALIKE!

Pete's Dragon is down to number six and like a bad joke I honestly I thought that it was Jessica Chastain in this rather than Bryce Dallas Howard. Not that it matters, but it's still funny. I was down for seeing this until I realized I'd never had any fucking interest in the seeing the original. Granted, it was a musical, which was mercifully dropped from this remake, but there was a little too much "Disney" stench about it still, especially in the character who wanted to kill the dragon. As if in this day and age, keeping it alive wouldn't be the option everyone would want either for money or science so it just rang painfully false.

MILF MONEY

Bad Moms is down to number seven and this is officially a success. $85M domestic alone from a $20M budget. It's fucking amazing, because not only does it look like shit, every review says it's shit, but there's clearly an audience of moms who don't give a fuck. I know. I know one of them who admitted even though it looked like shit, she was going to see it. I feel you, babe. I see so much shit regardless of what anyone thinks simply because it appeals to me on some level and clearly I'm not alone. Still, it's amazing. And Mila Kunis and Kristen Bell are not complaining. Somebody's gotta make money in their households. God knows Ashton Kutcher and Dax Shepard aren't gonna do it.

LOOKS LIKE REBOOT TIME

Jason Bourne is down to number eight and this is looking to be the failure it deserves to be and somewhere Jeremy Renner and Joan Allen are drinking in the schadenfreude.

SHOULD'VE TAKEN THAT TWO & A HALF MEN GIG

The Secret Life of Pets is down to number nine and closing out the top ten is the attempted counter-programming of "adult" material in Florence Foster Jenkins. Every year they attempt this shit of trying to put out a movie that clearly has no appeal to anyone but adults in the summer and every year they fail. Even with just a $30M budget this is still a failure. Let. It. Fucking. Go. Nobody wants to be a grown up in the summer! And wasn't Hugh Grant supposed to quit acting a few years back! Clearly it costs money to try and bang college students all the. Especially when you're aging like the Englishman you are.

So, some TV…

I LIKE HAPPY COMICS AND I WON'T APOLOGIZE FOR THAT!

I finally finished off the Preacher series on AMC and it was very much what I expected from a series based on the works of Garth Ennis and Steve Dillon. What that means is it's darkly funny, profane, sordid and graphically violent usually for the simple point of being profane, sordid and graphically violent. Let me put it there's a character called "Assface" who is that way because he tried to kill himself by putting a shotgun in his mouth and upon failing was left with a face that basically looks like an asshole. All his dialogue is subtitled. Every character is has some dirty, mean, violent sordid side and Ennis & Dillon revel in it. It's not to say the show is without interest---a small town preacher with a dark history searching for redemption finds himself imbued with a godlike power--- but once the secrets were revealed, I was done. I really don't want to spend any more time in this world. There's a reason I read Superman and not these types of books. But if you like this sort of thing and the bulk of violent, graphic, borderline cruel shows that dominate cable basic and pay shows that you do (Game of Thrones, The Sopranos, American Horror Story, The Walking Dead, Lords of Anarchy, True Blood, American Horror Story, Real Housewives of What-The-Fuck-Ever) then you'd probably like this.

ONE OF THE FEW TIMES I DON'T MIND REVISITING THE 80'S

Stranger Things on Netflix is an homage to the science fiction, horror and adventure films of the 80's that involved kids. In this series set in 1983 in a small Indiana town, four kids lose one of their number and in searching for him find a girl with special powers who has escaped from a mysterious nearby government facility…and a monster somehow connected to her. In this you'll find deliberate homages to e.t.: The Extra Terrestrial, Firestarter, Poltergeist, The Goonies, Stand By Me, War Games, Alien etc. Hell, even John Hughes films show up and two of the actors flat out looks like Mia Sara from Ferris Bueller's Day and Molly Ringwald. They even add specks of dust and damage to the title sequence, which obviously wouldn't exist in the current digital format. And did I mention that sequence has a total synth score? It's very, very good, more than transcending the novelty of its non-stop 80's homage. My only problem is they build a sequel into the end. Honestly in the early 80's they didn't do that. That didn't come until later when Friday The 13th and Halloween took off. I personally would've been happy if they'd just made it like there wouldn't be another. A lot of people keep mentioning the influence of Stephen King (who is flat out referenced in the movie) and Steven Spielberg here, but they weren't the only people doing these types of movies and honestly they had nothing to do with the very best kids adventure/horror/sci-fi movie of the 80's: MONSTER SQUAD!

 

RECOMENDATIONS:

Books

Captain America: War & Remembrance

Captain America: The Winter Soldier

Captain America: Secret Empire

Iron Man: Armor Wars

Iron Man: Armor Wars II

Superman: For All Seasons

All Star Superman

Batman: Year One

Batman: The Dark Knight Returns

Bert Stern Adventures

Marilyn Monroe: The Last Sitting

Preacher

 

Movies/TV

The Dirty Dozen

The Bourne Identity

The Bourne Supremacy

The Bourne Ultimatum

The Bourne Legacy

Monster Squad

e.t.: The Extra Terrestial

Sixteen Candles

Ferris Bueller's Day Off

Paranorman

 

Music