Here's your viewing list. There are links to Amazon, eBay and DVD Empire at the bottom so you can buy it and I can get fucking paid. I've seen them all and yes, this makes me better than you. It’s organic and will change from time to time. Until you've seen it all, don't bring your attitude to me. Actually, don't you ever bring your attitude to me. I'll just have to crush like the bugs you all are. WORSHIP ME, DOGS! WORSHIP ME!

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

A

ADAPTATION

The first ninety minutes are as brilliant a piece of filmmaking that you are ever likely to see and everyone deserved an Oscar, writer, director actors---everyone. Then comes the last ninety minutes that tries to be even more clever…and fails miserably, which is why everyone did not.

ADVENTURES OF BUCKAROO BANZAI

A great fun movie---but only if you get the joke that this is spoofing Doc Savage pulp novels. Few people did, so it failed. The origin of the term “monkey boy” in my vocabulary.

AIRPLANE

Zucker, Abrahams, Zucker masterpiece of parody. The Naked Gun was good, yes, but this was their perfect work. Too many great jokes to choose from. All quotable.

ALIEN

Scared me shitless. I spent half the movie in my dad’s lap and I was 13 at the time.

ALIENS

Totally different from the first, but just as good. Essentially, “Sgt. Rock Goes To Mars” but is that a bad thing?

ALMOST FAMOUS

Cameron Crowe’s love letter to his youth. I own it, but still watch it on cable every time it airs.

AMERICAN GIGOLO

A fashion time capsule. Paul Schrader was more concerned with style than substance here, so the story drags, but the scene where he gets dressed to Smokey Robinson’s “The Love I Saw In You Was Just A Mirage” is worth it all.

THE ANIMATRIX

Wanna know how they learned the machines were tunneling? Who that kid was in the last two films obsessed with Neo? Just how the machines took over the world? Well, it’s all here in this collection of animated shorts, one by the guy who did Ninja Scroll and another by the guys behind Aeon Flux. Good stuff and a better use of your time than Matrix Revolutions. The best part is a sexy striptease sword duel in “Final Flight of the Osiris” where the duelists slice each other’s clothing off. Needless to say, because it’s the Wachowski’s she’s Asian and he’s Black. They do love their people of color.

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT

A collection of Monty Python skits including my personal favorite of the bad translation. “Ooh! My nipples explode in delight!”

ANNIE HALL

One of the greatest romantic comedies, made all the more romantic by the fact that it doesn’t have a traditional happy ending. Funny as hell too. “I used to be a heroin addict, but now I’m a methadone addict.”

APARTMENT

A Billy Wilder gem with Jack Lemmon in the everyman role he did so well. A bittersweet romantic comedy, because Wilder couldn’t do it any other way.

APOCALYPSE NOW

Francis Ford Coppola made four of the greatest films ever made and this is one of them. Now if only he would stop fucking with it.

AWFUL TRUTH

Cary Grant is god. God does good work in this can’t-live-with-you, can’t-live-without comedy.

B

BABY, IT’S YOU

Roseanna Arquette stars in this John Sayles directed coming of age story of two New Jersey teens in the sixties. A supporting cast loaded with recognizable faces.

BACHELOR & THE BOBBY SOXER

Cary Grant is god. Myrna Loy is a goddess. Two great looking people with comic timing to make you realize how ugly and unfunny you really are. And Shirley Temple grew into a little hottie.

BACHELOR PARTY

I love this movie and I’m not ashamed to admit it. It’s got everything. “Chicks and guns and fire engines...” Not to mention bestiality. Hey, there was a time when jokes about fucking donkeys were acceptable. Sigh. I never thought I’d miss the 80’s.

BAD BOYS

One of the two Michael Bay movies I can stomach and the only Martin Lawrence movie I can stand. Do what I do: skip to the action scenes and shots of Tea Leoni’s amazingly toned legs. And by all means, avoid the horrific sequel.

BALL OF FIRE

Barbara Stanwyck is a goddess. Worship at her feet in this romantic comedy starring her and Gary Cooper. She even sings!

BATMAN ANIMATED MOVIES

If you want to see Mark Hamill actually demonstrate some acting, know that he’s been The Joker on the Batman Animated series, which is better than all the films and so are the movies based on it. Batman: Mask of the Phantasm is the first and weakest, but actually takes an actual action sequence from one of the Frank Miller comics. Batman & Superman gives us the great team up and the unexpected development of Bruce Wayne hooking up with Lois Lane. Batman: Mr. Freeze leaves the movie version of Mr. Freeze in the dust and for the first time Robin and Batgirl make their appearances in the animated movies. Batman Beyond takes up into the future with an elderly Bruce Wayne, former Batgirl Barbara Gordon is the new police commissioner and a new protégé takes over using a Batman super suit. Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker was so disturbing they had to make two versions, one for the kids and one good one. The Joker returns seemingly unaged. How he does it part of the reason it had to be edited for violence and general creepiness. Good stuff.

BEDAZZLED

The original with Dudley Moore and Peter Cook. The remake wasn’t bad, but there’s no comparison. And on second thought, while she was better built, the accent and skank appeal actually make Liz Hurley hotter than Raquel Welch.

BEETLEJUICE

Before they earned my unending hatred by fucking up Batman, Tim Burton and Michael Keaton made this nice little comedy. I tend to forget it also starred Geena Davis, Alec Baldwin and Winona Ryder.

BEN STILLER SHOW

Wanna know where Stiller’s “theater of pain” started? You’ll see it right here in these 13 episodes of his short-lived Fox show. Along for the ride you’ll see Andy Dick, Janene Garafalo, David Cross and producer/writer Judd Apataow.

BEST MAN

My man crush, Taye Diggs, in a romantic comedy in New York. What more do you need? Nia Long too. Sadly, we’re cheated out of a butt-nekkid love scene between the two.

BIG EASY

Dennis Quaid at his peak with Ellen Barkin who never stopped being super sexy. “Stop that.” “What? That...or that.” And don’t forget John Goodman, back when he was a great supporting character actor.

BIG SLEEP

Many actors played Philip Marlowe, but no one owned it like Humphrey Bogart. And Lauren Bacall is here at her sexy best. If you get confused, don’t be ashamed. After he saw it, Raymond Chandler couldn’t understand it either. Just remember it’s two storylines going on about two murders.

BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA

Another movie where knowledge of pulp fiction and movie serials is required to truly appreciate it. Still, Kurt Russell’s John Wayne impression is damn funny. And yes, that is Kim Catrall when she is was in every other movie in the 80’s.

BILL & TED’S EXCELLENT ADVENTURE

Keanu playing the role he was born to play. It’s actually one of his better movies and why MTV never did a joke about Ted crossing over into the future of The Matrix is beyond me.

BLADE

Slick, sleek and lots of butt-kicking fun. The only flaw is the casting of Stephen Doriff as the bad guy. Sorry, but I’m not scared. I’m short too, but I’m not that short.

BLADE 2

An improvement on the first film because they 1) corrected the idiotic flaw of killing off Kris Kristofferson, and 2) hired a real director in Guillermo Del Toro. And though Donnie Yu is wasted in his small role, having him as fight coordinator is nothing less than great.

BLAZING SADDLES

“Pardon me while I whip this out.” “More beans, Mr. Taggart?” “It’s just a man and a horse being hung out there.” “Baby, please. I am not from Havana.” “You’d do it for Randolph Scott.” “Okay, we’ll take the niggers and the chinks, but not the Irish.” I could go on and on. Mel Brooks at his peak. You can keep The Producers and Young Frankenstein. This is the one for me.

BODY HEAT

Lawrence Kasdan giving the classic film noirs of the past an element they desperately needed: graphic sex scenes and nudity. Were William Hurt and Kathleen Turner ever so young? And yes, that is Ted Danson.

BOOK OF LIFE

Essentially a short film from Hal Hartley about Jesus returning to earth on New Year’s Eve, 1999---and checking into The Plaza with Mary Magdalene while ducking calls from The Vatican.

BOWFINGER

When you make a movie as funny as this and it fails, can you really blame Eddie Murphy for making that family shit?

THE BOXER

A drama set in Northern Ireland with Daniel Day Lewis, but not nearly the depressing experience you think it is. And Emily Watson is luminously sexy. Brian Cox is here too.

BRICK

Who knew the world of Dashielll Hammett and Raymond Chandler could transfer so easily to high school? Joseph Gordon Leavitt is the toughest teen gumshoe you’ll ever meet. It’s got everything you need: a frail blonde to be protected and avenged, loyal best friend, mysterious beautiful rich girl who knows more than she says, out of control muscle, femme fatale working her own angle, underworld overlord and authorities breathing down your neck. Not to mention scenes and dialogue lifted from The Big Sleep and the Maltese Falcon.

BRIDGET JONES'S DIARY

I suppose this could be part of a Hugh Grant trilogy of London comedies, but I won’t have Notting Hill in my house. And Pussy Galore from Goldfinger is not, in fact, the co-worker like I thought, but the old broad with the cleavage at the Tarts ‘n Vicars party. My point is the same. The English simply do not age well.

BRING IT ON

Outside of my cheerleader fetish, this is actually a very sharp and funny movie. The opening scene is worth the price of the rental.

BROTHERHOOD OF THE WOLF

Imagine a Hong Kong martial arts movie crossed with a horror movie crossed with a period piece about intrigue in the court of Louis XIV in France based partially on a true story. Absolutely beautiful to watch and unlike us, the French keep sex in their action movies. Best shot: the nude body of Monica Bellucci dissolves into the white, snow-covered French mountains.

BRINGING UP BABY

Cary Grant is god. Katherine Hepburn is a goddess. Worship them at their peak in this epitome of the screwball comedy from Howard Hawks.

A BUG’S LIFE

Every time I watch this I see a joke I missed and there were plenty obvious great ones to begin with. Better than Toy Story, but not as funny as Toy Story 2. Higher praise would be hard to find.

BULL DURHAM

I hate baseball, so for this to be one of my favorite romantic comedies you know more has to be going on. In my mind it’s more about sex than baseball, but they both put you to sleep. Marvel at the funny, sexy Kevin Costner with a head full of hair. Still his best film. Fuck you and the wolves you dance with if you disagree.

BULLIT

Steve McQueen as the hippest cop in San Francisco, who drives a hot car, listens to cool jazz, sleeps with Jacqueline Bisset and never uses three words when two will do.

C

CADDYSHACK

Supposedly, there was more fun behind this movie than in front of it, which means that was one hell of a set because this sits beside Animal House as one of the best slob comedies ever. Remember: Harold Ramis is a comedy god.

THE CAINE MUTINY

Fred McMurray played a great scumbag and here’s one of them as one of the crew members who precipitates a mutiny on a US Naval vessel when captain Humphrey Bogart (another great non-tough guy role) shows signs of mental instability.

CALENDAR GIRLS

Based on the true story of women in England who started a nude calendar to raise money for charity, Helen Mirren proves she is the exception to the rule that the English do not age well. She’s been getting naked since ht 60’s and the world is better for it. A few stray sub-plots should have been trimmed since they aren’t fully fleshed out, but not a bad little film at all.

CASABLANCA

“We’ll always have Paris.” The best movie ever made. Not film, movie.

CASINO ROYALE

Probably the closest to the James Bond of the books the films have ever come, showing him for the ruthless killer Ian Fleming really created---and man is it fun. Naysayers doubted blonde Daniel Craig, but if you ever saw Layer Cake, you know it would be a walk in the park for him.

CAT PEOPLE

Natassia Kinski fully naked. Annette O’Toole’s only nude scene. Malcom McDowell as yet another evil bastard. A great theme song by David Bowie. What more do you need? A story that actually moves? Look elsewhere. But hey, you get to see David Begley Jr. die horribly.

CENTERSTAGE

A musical where no one sings, but there’s still lots of music and dancing. Let the teenage girl inside you go free so she can enjoy this. I did.

CHASING AMY

If only the paper flat direction of Kevin Smith didn’t rob his excellent script of its wit and energy.

CHICAGO

Unless Gene Kelly is dancing, I’ve a low tolerance for musicals, but this is an exception to the rule. The director was cheated out of his Oscar for his inventive staging of the Broadway show and Renee Zellweger was deprived again of an Oscar she deserved.

CHILDREN OF MEN

A dystopian vision of a future where no one can procreate was one of the best films of 2006, period. You need the first 15-20 minutes to set things up properly before kicking the story into gear, and while it could have been cut down by at least ten minutes at the end, it definitely needed the additional time to give all of its characters the proper depth and shading. Michael Caine’s speech about “chance and faith” alone is worth the additional running time. Also the film has what the dark visions of the future have so desperately lacked: A SENSE OF FUCKING HUMOR! Like real fucking people they make fucking jokes when in the worst of situations. In other words, they maintain their humanity.

CHINATOWN

Jack Nicholson, Faye Dunaway, Robert Towne and Roman Polanski all at their peak doing their take on Raymond Chandler’s Los Angeles. Did anyone do dirty old man better than John Huston?

CHOOSE ME

Robert Altman’s protégé Alan Rudolph creates a gorgeous romantic drama. You know when it opens with the cast dancing to the soundtrack (from Luther Vandross and Teddy Pendergrass), you’ve got something a little special.

CHRONICLES OF RIDDICK

Never saw Pitch Black because I didn’t want to watch Rahada Mitchell die, but I loved this sequel. You have to see the Director’s Cut because it a different movie from the theatrical release which I was only so-so towards. But there’s a whole Nietzsche thing going on here that reminded me of Conan. Only it happens in space, which makes it better.

CITY OF GOD

If you’re like me, you see “three hour movie set in the slums of Brazil” and your eyes roll back in your head, dreading the pain to come. But you’re wrong. Easily one of the best movies I’ve ever seen. At three hours it may not be long enough.

CLERKS

If you’ve ever worked retail, this is the greatest movie you will ever see. If not, it’s still funny. “37!?!”

CLUELESS

Jane Austen’s Emma updated to late 20th Century LA. Funnier and more charming than it had any right to be. And Alicia Silverstone will never be this cute again.

THE COMMITMENTS

The first and slickest adaptation of the Roddy Doyle’s Barrytown trilogy (including The Van and The Snapper) and in my opinion, the best. Yes, the beautiful girl playing his sister is now the lead singer of The Corrs.

CONAN THE BARBARIAN

More phallic symbolism than you can shake a stick at, no pun intended. Conan chases a big snake to the top of a mountain retrieve his father’s sword. Think the screenwriter had issues?

CONFESSIONS OF A DANGEROUS MIND

Steven Soderbergh is such a good director, that even when George Clooney just flat out imitates him as the director of this film, it still comes out well. It’s too long by half an hour (he’s crazy, we get it), but it’s a Charlie Kaufman script, so what do you expect?

CONTINENTIAL DIVIDE

John Belushi’s grown up romantic comedy which didn’t get the success it deserved. Maybe that’s good, because the amount he got killed him.

CQ

Francis Ford Coppola has a son and he’s also talented. Aren’t you disgusted? This comedy is about a young editor in Paris in the sixties who takes over directed a sexy science fiction action film with the megalomaniacal producer fires the obsessive French director. Any resemblance between this and Barbarella (directed by Roger Vadim and produced by Dino DeLaurentis) is purely intentional.

CRASH

Saying a David Cronenberg film is twisted and weird is redundant so just let me say this a typical Cronenberg film about people sexually aroused by car accidents. Are you surprised James Spader is in it? I didn’t think so. Based on a novel by J.G. Ballard it’s sick and twisted and I own it and I don’t know why.

CRIMES OF PASSION

Once upon a time, Ken Russell was one of my favorite filmmakers and this movie is one of the reasons why. Kathleen Turner was denied her Oscar for this.

CROSSING DELANCEY

One of my favorite New York City romantic comedies. That soundtrack by The Roaches can get annoying, but aside from that, it’s almost perfect. How Spielberg gave up Amy Irving for Kate Capshaw is still a mystery to me.

CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON

Not all it’s cracked up to be, but easily the most beautiful martial arts movie ever made. Jet Li was originally slated to play the lead. I’m so glad he passed, because Chow Yun Fat is just great.

THE CROW

Brandon Lee’s best and final film and one of the better comic book adaptations you’ll ever see. Let’s pretend the sequels don’t exist.

THE CRUCIBLE

A first rate adaptation of Arthur Miller’s classic play (he wrote the screenplay). Everyone is great, but Joan Allen just rocks. Even Winona Ryder is good.

D

DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL

A bit dated, but still one of the best and most intelligent science fiction movies ever made.

THE DEPARTED

Martin Scorsese makes one of the funniest movies of the year in this remake of the Hong Kong film, Infernal Affairs and don’t think he didn’t know it. That last shot in the movie is proof he did.

DESPERATELY SEEKING SUSAN

Sadly, Susan Seidelman never equaled this modern day screwball comedy, though she aptly directs the occasional Sex & The City episode. Play close attention and you’ll see a wealth of indie actors in small roles. And still the best movie Madonna ever made, though that’s not saying much.

DESPERADO

Disappointing sequel to El Mariachi, but still entertaining in spots and Salma Hayek’s nude and sex scene is obviously worth seeing. Hell, just watching her caused a car wreck by walking down the street is worth seeing.

THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA

Bad books usually make good movies and this is no exception to the rule. Meryl Streep received another well-deserved Oscar for her role here as the bitch goddess of fashion. She alone takes the movie to a higher level it could have achieved on its own, being much too wussy to go into the darkside of ambition and success the way it needed to.

DIE ANOTHER DAY

A bounce back for Bond after the disappointing Tomorrow Never Dies. This is what happens when you hire a real director instead of using the second unit men for the last twenty years. The sword fight is just that, a fight, not a duel and it’s one of the best Bond fights ever, going back to Bond and Red Grant in From Russia With Love. And did I mention Halle Berry is in this, putting Ursulla Andress to shame? Good stuff. Lame Madonna theme song though. And she gets the Star Trek “Vaseline filter” when she makes her cameo too.

DIE HARD

Single-handedly redefined the modern day action movie and being the template for almost every shoot ‘em up until The Matrix came along to shake things up again. This may be Bruce Willis’s best movie, I kid you not. And did I mention how great Alan Rickman is in this?

DIE HARD 2

Not as good as the first, but still a lot of fun. I refuse to acknowledge a third.

LIVE FREE OR DIE HARD

It’s only Die Hard III to me because I so hated Die Hard With a Vengeance. This is closer to the original formula with McClane against the odds, but too much CGI and a PG13 limits it. Thankfully we have Lucy McClane as a chip off the old block give it spark.

DINER

Barry Levinson’s first entry in his Baltimore Trilogy. It’s a great buddy movie, but I can’t watch it anymore, because the men are all assholes. They love each other, but pretty much treat women like shit constantly. What woman would want to marry Steve Guttenberg to begin with, much less degrade herself for him?

DINNER RUSH

Bob Giraldi was famous in the 80’s for directing Michael Jackson’s “Beat It” video. He also owns a restaurant in Manhattan as this film about a night in the life of a restaurant in Manhattan proves he knows his stuff. An engrossing, organic piece that, like all good food films, makes you hungry.

DIRTY PRETTY THINGS

Director Stephen Frears gives us a look at the immigrants who actually make the big cities of the world run. London is the setting of this tale about a African doctor working as a cab driver and a hotel clerk. One night he finds a human heart clogging a toilet and there our story begins… Loses itself with some needless sermonizing towards the end, but a solid little thriller.

DOC SAVAGE MAN OF BRONZE

Silly fun from the late, great George Pal. Watch this then watch Buckaroo Banzai and maybe you’ll understand the jokes in the latter a little better.

DOGMA

Before “The Passion of the Christ” and after “The Last Temptation of Christ” Kevin Smith was upsetting people with his take on religion. Gets better the second time around, but as always, his directing lets his writing down and he still needs to work on editing. And is Chris Rock not the worst comedian actor ever? He can’t even play himself. That’s bad.

DOUBLE INDEMNITY

Barbara Stanwyck is a goddess. Worship her in this, the jewel of Fred McMurray’s sleazy bastard trilogy (includes The Apartment and The Caine Mutiny).

DR. NO

The first and in many ways, the best Bond movie. Never again would Bond be as ruthless and cruel, not to mention as beautiful. Sean Connery’s hairline seemed to begin receding immediately after this. And Ursula Andress...damn! Did I mention Jack Lord as Felix?

E

EAT DRINK, MAN WOMAN

Have your Chinese food menu in hand when you start watching this. You’ll need it. Having a date would be good too, as it is a romantic comedy. My favorite Ang Lee film and that’s saying a lot.

EDTV

Romantic comedies set in San Francisco have an instant “in” with me, but this is actually deserving of my affection. Unfortunately, it suffered in the wake of the crappy, overrated Truman Show.

EMMANUELLE 2

Gorgeous, softcore Europorn. What more do you want? Ignore the first one and the one that followed. Like Star Wars, the best one was the second movie.

THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK

The second and best of the Star Wars movies. Actual characterization occurs in this one and is never to be seen again.

ENTER THE DRAGON

Bruce Lee kicks butt. Do I need to say more?

ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND

Finally, Charlie Kaufman script that doesn’t go to hell in the last half hour because it’s not two hours long. He finally figured it out and stopped writing that needless last half hour. Aside from being visually arresting, it’s a heartbreaking look inside the relationship of two incredibly flawed people who love each other, but whose neurosises won’t let it work.

EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT SEX

Back when Woody was unapologetically about just being funny he made classics like this. No drama, no pathos, only laughs. Sheep in lingerie, gigantic killer breasts, Tony Randall and Burt Reynolds inside your head controlling your dick…now that’s comedy.

EXCALIBUR

Hardly accurate, but still the best Arthurian adaptation so far. Almost a who’s who of English and Irish actors. Liam Neeson, Patrick Stewart, Gabriel Byrne and Helen Mirren are all here.

F

FANTASTIC VOYAGE

Old school science fiction fun about a team of scientist shrunk to microscopic size and injected into a diplomat’s brain to operate on a brain tumor. No, it’s not a comedy. Raquel Welch is also in it. Hey, I said it wasn’t a comedy.

FEMALE PERVERSIONS

Based on a non-fiction book, this film deals with the female obsession with beauty to the point where it becomes a perversion. Tilda Swinton is a successful judge who struggles with this (her replacement is model Paulina Porizkova) while moving amidst a series of female archetypes. So much better than I make it sound.

FLESH & BLOOD

Perhaps the most authentic depiction of the middle ages that you will ever see. Knights are shown as the cruel raping, murdering bastards many of them were. Rutger Hauer back at his peak.

FINDING NEMO

Not just a great animated film, a great film period. It so deserved to be nominated for Best Film and Ellen was cheated out of a nomination for Best Supporting Actress as Dory.

FLIRT

One story told three different ways in three different cities all over the globe. Hal Hartley’s last full-length success. The first is the best.

FLIRTING WITH DISASTER

Ben Stiller’s greatest gift is his willingness to be the butt of a joke. It’s on display aplenty in this comedy about a man looking for his natural parents. So much better than Meet The Parents (which is its evil twin in a way) that it hurts. Unfortunately, Alan Alda is no DeNiro. But he’s just as funny.

FOR YOUR EYES ONLY

One of my favorite Bond films. A deliberate attempt to get “back to basics” on the part of the producers and it worked.

48 HOURSEddie Murphy’s first big hit and still one of his best. Granted that’s not saying much, post-Dr. Dolittle, but still. You forget how much of a natural star he was when he started, before he began coasting almost instantly in the 80’s. And there’s a mini-reunion from The Warriors with James Remar and David Patrick (“Warriors come out to play-ee-ay!”) Kelly.  

FORTY YEAR OLD VIRGIN

Better thank it had any right to be, this wildly profane and vulgar movie has a sweet and gooey center, which works because it refuses to act like a sweet and gooey movie.

FOUR WEDDINGS AND A FUNERAL

Easily one of my favorite movies ever. I can watch this at anytime, any place. Its only flaw is the large block of wood in the center listed in the credits as Andie McDowell.

FREAKY FRIDAY

I so loved the original I only saw this reluctantly with my sister and wound up loving it even more. Jamie Lee Curtis takes on the role of a teenager and never lets go. Lindsay Lohan has the thankless role of playing the adult, but without her, Jamie Lee Curtis’s role can’t really work.

THE FUGITIVE

Better than it had any right to be. Andrew Davis is a very uneven director, but when he’s on, he’s dead on, like here. Ignore the lousy sequel.

G

GET SHORTY

Barry Sonnenfeld’s all-star adaptation of the Elmore Leonard novel. It doesn’t get much better than this. This should be watched along with Out of Sight. Trust me on this.

GHOSTBUSTERS

Ignore the special effects and see this for one of the best New York City comedies ever. Harold Ramis is a comedy god.

GODFATHER

One of the greatest films ever made, period. See this, love this or get off my planet.

GODFATHER II

Some say it’s as good or better than the first. I’m not one of them. The loss of Brando and Caan was simply too great. Their heat was needed to offset Pacino’s coolness. Yes, DeNiro brings it in the flashback sequences, but that’s a separate storyline and he and Pacino never share a scene (until Heat, 25 years later).

GOLDENEYE

A return to form for Bond after the lean Timothy Dalton years.

GOLDFINGER

The universally understood best Bond film ever. “Do you expect me to talk?” “No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die.”

GOOD, BAD & THE UGLY

One day, hopefully we’ll see the full-length version which explains that Civil War sequence. Until then, this is still the great conclusion to the Man With No Name Trilogy.

GRACE OF MY HEART

A flawed film to be sure about the days of the Brill Building (where people like Neil Diamond and Carole King churned out hit songs), but it’s a crime that “God Give Me Strength” written by Elvis Costello and Burt Bacharach wasn’t nominated for best song.It’s an amazing song and provides the film’s emotional high point. Sure as hell wasn’t Matt Dillon doing Brian Wilson.  

GRANDMA'S BOY

I hate to admit it, but I loved this one from the Adam Sandler factory. But what movie featuring a chimp who’s master of taekwondo could ever not be funny?

GREASE

The fact that everyone in it is 30 years old is part of the joke people. I hope you get it. It’s one of those films that’s so much fun to watch

GRINDHOUSE

An homage to a time no one else really cares for this was an experiment gone wrong only in terms of running time. If they’d gut both films down to 45 minutes, we’d be having a different conversation right now. And I can give Death Proof no greater praise than the fact my palms were literally sweating from the tension. And I hate the tension!

GROSSE POINTE BLANK

The best of a sudden slate of Gen-X’s first group of “look back” movies that were released that year from John Cusack and his buddies.

GROUNDHOG DAY

Harold Ramis is a comedy god and never more powerful than with Bill Murray as his lead. Ghostbusters notwithstanding, this may be their best work, despite that block of wood listed in the credits as Andie McDowell.

GUNGA DIN

Cary Grant is god and in this movie he shows you what a wimp Indiana Jones really is. See it and realize just how much Spielberg ripped it off for Raiders of the Lost Ark.

THE GURU

A very funny romantic comedy about an Indian immigrant who pretends to be a sex guru while getting advice from a porn star. A running joke about the movie Grease plays a large part in the film and gives it a great ending.

H

HALF BAKED

I don’t smoke weed, but that doesn’t make David Chappelle or this movie any less funny.

HANNAH & HER SISTERS

A return to comic and romantic form for Woody Allen after a string of depressing “I wanna be Bergman” movies. With nothing but happy endings.  

HAPPY FEET

It’s no Pixar, but of all the cute animal CGI animated films to come out recently, this was the best.

HAPPY GILMORE

Sigh. Guilty pleasure. So sue me. I hate everything else he does, but this made me laugh.

HARD BOILED

John Woo forever redefines the action movie with slow motion and two-fisted shooting. First everyone in Hong Kong imitated him, then everyone in Hollywood.

HARD DAY’S NIGHT

“The” rock movie. It’s never been done better, thanks in no small part to the natural charisma of the band. You can see the darker side of John Lennon even then in his jokes. And the music goes without saying. Hard to believe this guy would later direct the odious Superman II.

HEAT

Michael Mann’s big screen remake of his own TV movie “LA Takedown” which I actually saw. Top notch depiction of professional criminals and the cops who track them down. Pacino and DeNiro finally share a screen together, if only for a few minutes.

HEATHERS

Winona Ryder’s artistic peak (though I did like her in The Crucible) in this classic little black comedy.

HENRY & JUNE

A flawed adaptation of Anais Nin’s diaries of her time in Paris with Henry Miller and his wife, June, but it’s still gorgeous and interesting to watch. Uma Thurman passed on doing explicit sex scenes once Fred Ward replaced Alec Baldwin as Henry Miller.

HERO

Perhaps the move visually stunning martial arts film ever made. But that’s all it is. Too bad the story couldn’t match the heights of the cinematography and art direction. The director did Raise The Red Lantern, the story of female oppression in medieval China and this has just as many laughs, if not less. Sorry, but when you’ve got people flying through the air and walking on water, you’ve got to have a sense of humor

HEROIC TRIO

Michele Yeoh is one of a trio of superhero women in this Hong Kong action film and she’s the least attractive if you can believe it. Then again anyone standing next to Maggie Cheung suffers.

HI LIFE

A small comedy set entirely around bars on the Upper East Side of New York City, but I didn’t hold that against it. All-star indie cast, including Eric Stoltz and Campbell Scott.

HIGH ART

Amazing first film from Lisa Cholodenko and a comeback for Ally Sheedy as heroin addicted lesbian photographer who begins a relationship with her downstairs neighbor (Radha Mitchell), who just happens to be an ambitious editor at an art photography magazine. Patricia Clarkson steals the movie as Sheedy’s lover, a washed-up German actress.

HIGH FIDELITY

Another John Cusack romantic comedy that’s a little difficult for me to watch because I cannot stand whining over a lost love. I can do it just fine. I just can’t watch others do it. I just skip to the record store sequences now.

HIS GIRL FRIDAY

Not the best romantic comedy ever, but damn close and absolutely the fastest dialogue on record, some it actually improved. By the way, Cary Grant is god.

HOLLYWOODLAND

Ben Affleck saves his career in this, the story of the mystery behind the death of TV’s first Superman, George Reeves. Adrian Brody is the private detective investigating the death, but unless Queens is suddenly a suburb of LA, there’s no way he’s Hollywood born and bred the way he’s supposed to be in the film. In fact, the movie pretty much stops every time Adrian Brody’s story comes on the screen, leaving you counting the minutes before we get back to Ben Affleck and an equally good Diane Lane. The movie should have just been about the two of them.

THE HOST

The best Korean-monster-political-satire-family film you will ever see. Had a similar dark ending to Pan’s Labyrinth but at least gave us a little salve for our wound.

HOT FUZZ

A spoof of American action films by the English. The difference between this and an American spoof, like say, Scary Movie, is that they’re only spoofing one thing and they follow an actual story, where the satire is just like icing on the cake. Actually, the action spoof portion doesn’t really pop up until the last half-hour of the movie. Until that point it’s a stand-alone black comedy wherein one of the characters has a fascination with American action movies. And the comedy is black. In the first five minutes we see the protagonist stabbed through the hand by someone dressed like Santa Claus and the ensuing murders in the small down are shown in a graphic cross between Robocop and Monty Python.

HOT SHOTS

Not as brilliant as Airplane, but still damn funny in its own right.

HOT SHOTS PART DEUX

Not as good as the first one, but again, it’s damn funny. The Martin Sheen scene alone is worth seeing it for.

HOUSEBOAT

Cary Grant is god. Sophia Loren is a goddess. Together they look great in this so-so romantic comedy.

HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS

Ignore that evil remake and stick to the Marvel Team-Up of Dr. Seuss and Chuck Jones and Boris Karloff.

HUDSON HAWK

So funny, so bad, such a bloated mess that it’s actually entertaining. But I only know of one other person who feels this way, so you might want to ignore me.

HUNT FOR RED OCTOBER

John McTiernan on one of his “on” days making the best of the Jack Ryan movies. One of those movies I can watch at anytime and come in at any point.

I

I COME IN PEACE

A pure B-movie about an alien who comes to earth, gets people high and then steals the chemical produced during that high from their brains. Needless to say, this kills them, so Dolph Lundgren has to kick his ass.

IGBY GOES DOWN

Yet another retelling of Catcher in the Rye, but when it’s this good you let it go. Not to mention it’s much darker and much funnier. But you have to wonder what’s so bad about Igby’s life when he’s sleeping with both Claire Danes and Amanda Peet?

IN A LONELY PLACE

You think Humphrey Bogart only does tough guys well? Think again. Here he’s a writer given to drunken blackouts and during one he may or may not have killed a woman. His neighbor gives him an alibi, but as she dates him she comes to realize she might have made a mistake.

IN THE MOOD FOR LOVE

If you loved Lost in Translation (and I did not) then you definitely need to see the movie she essentially copied to make it. Two neighbors take solace in one another after they discover their spouses are having an affair. Beautiful to see and the feeling of romantic longing is intoxicating. And if you need it like I do, the DVD contains a deleted scene featuring the sound of Maggie Cheung having sex. Yeah, baby.

INDEPENDENCE DAY

Another B-movie, but with a A-movie budget. Still fun to watch.

INDISCREET

Cary Grant is god. Ingrid Bergman is a goddess. Together in Paris in a romantic comedy. What more do you want?

INNERSPACE

An actual comedic version of Fantastic Voyage with Dennis Quaid, Meg Ryan and Martin Short. With songs by Wang Chung! Yes, you can laugh now.

THE INSIDER

Michael Mann proving his chops by making a three hour movie about a tobacco lawsuit interesting and exciting. This was the movie Russell Crowe deserved his Oscar for, not that bloated swords and sandals movie he made the next year.

INTOLERABLE CRUELTY

The Coen Brothers lite, but that’s still light years ahead of your average Tom Hanks-Meg Ryan romantic comedy.

THE IRON GIANT

A boy gets a giant robot from space as a pet in 1950’s Cold War America. Even better than it sounds. Animated too.

IT COULD HAPPEN TO YOU

A romantic comedy in New York City with Bridget Fonda. What more do you want? Something a little less saccharine? Then stay away from this.

IT HAPPENED ONE NIGHT

So many movies are based on this Oscar winning romantic comedy it makes my head hurt just thinking about it. Any movie where a bickering couple are on the road together comes from this movie where Clark Gable almost destroyed the American T-shirt industry overnight.

IT'S ALWAYS FAIR WEATHER

Gene Kelly is god. Cyd Charisse is a goddess. They dance together. She wears green. What more do you want?

J

JURASSIC PARK

I hate Steven Spielberg, so it kills me to like this movie.

K

KAMA SUTRA

Visually stunning if a bit lacking in the storyline. Did I mention the never-ending nudity of very attractive people?

KENTUCKY FRIED MOVIE

The first effort from Zucker, Abrahams, Zucker. Cruder than Airplane and some of the skits are long and dated, but for the most part it’s still great.

KICKING & SCREAMING

Noah Baumbach’s first effort chronicling a group of college grads who have no idea what to do with their lives. Trust me, it’s better than all those other movies about the exact same thing.

KILL BILL

It should have been one long movie with almost half the second film left on the editing room floor. But since you know there’s eventually going to be one long cut on DVD, you can make it right with the fast forward button. Watch all the nonstop kinetic fun of the first, then the first half hour of the second, skip to the Daryl Hannah-Uma Thurman fight, then jump to the end where Bill is killed. Hey, the movie isn’t called “Bill Lives Long And Prospers.”

KISS KISS, BANG BANG

A fairly funny homage to the novels of Raymond Chandler by writer/director Shane Black with the oddest duo of Val Kilmer and Robert Downey Jr. Sadly, it still remains burdened with his trademark misogyny. I became a fan of Michelle Monaghan with this one.

KISS ME DEADLY

Mickey Spillane’s novel brought to the screen in all its sleazy film noir glory.

L

L.A. CONFIDENTIAL

It kills me that this much superior work was all but lost in the wake of Titanic. Kevin Spacey, Russell Crowe and Guy Pearce all do amazing work, but it’s Kim Basinger’s oddly flat performance that won the Oscar.

LA FEMME NIKITA

Thought of as the end of French film because the director decided to make an exciting action film people actually enjoyed than your usual morose French film work. Jean Reno’s original depiction of the character he plays in The Professional.

LA STORY

The beginning of Sarah Jessica Parker’s transformation from girl-next-door, to sex object. Steve Martin tries to do for LA what Woody Allen does for New York. It doesn’t work, but it’s still funny.

LADY EVE

Barbara Stanwyck is a goddess and she’s peaking in this romantic comedy directed by Howard Hawks. Also starring Henry Fonda and Uncle Charley himself. William Demerest.

LAIR OF THE WHITE WORM

Ken Russell had an unusually productive streak in the 80’s and this is one of his good weird ones starring, of all people, Hugh Grant. And you’re meant to laugh at it. Trust me on this.

LAKE PLACID

I hate David Kelly but for some reason I really like this bad B-movie horror/comedy about gigantic alligator in a lake. Yeah, Bridget Fonda is in it, but that’s not the only reason.

LAST DAYS OF DISCO

The last of Whit Stillman’s trilogy (including Metropolitan and Barcelona) and probably the best, though I have a soft spot in my heart for Metropolitan.

LAST DRAGON

Yes, it’s bad, but it’s also fun. Vanity and some buttkicking. What more do you want?

THE LAST SEDUCTION

Linda Fiorentino scorches the earth in this film noir about a hot-blooded con woman with a heart of ice.

LAWS OF ATTRACTION

You want to enjoy more movies? Have low expectations. I had it for this and totally enjoyed myself. Frances Fisher steals every scene she’s in as Julianne Moore’s mother. And Pierce Brosnan is finally showing his age. Thank god. Pretty bastard.

LEGALLY BLONDE

You wanna see charm carry a film? Here you go. How anyone thinks Julia Roberts does the same is beyond me.

LEAGUE OF EXTRAORDINARY GENTLEMEN

So inferior to the comic it’s based on, it barely deserves the same name, but if the idea of a team of literary characters from Alan Quartermain to The Invisible Man to Captain Nemo intrigues you, turn down your IQ, pop some popcorn and enjoy this. I did and I’m so much smarter than you are it hurts.

LIBERTY HEIGHTS

Barry Levinson’s coda to his Baltimore Trilogy (Diner, Tin Men, Avalon) with his reoccurring themes of monied, unhappy WASPs and the earthy, loving Jews who love them.

LIMEY

Steven Soderbergh’s dark companion piece to Out of Sight. And no Julia Roberts to be seen, so enjoy it.

LITTLE MERMAID

The beginning of Disney’s animation rebirth in the 80’s before all the songwriting went to shit. “Under The Sea” is a great, great song.

A LITTLE ROMANCE

Where an entire generation of men began their love affair with Diane Lane.

LIVING IN OBLIVION

This should be shown to all would be indie filmmakers to discourage them. The rest of us, however can laugh at it like we’re meant to. This is Tom DiCillo’s unofficial revenge on Brad Pitt after they made Johnny Suede together.

LONE STAR

John Sayles also writes novels and this textured, multi-layered film is proof of that. Also not as depressing as most of the shit he does.

LONG KISS GOODNIGHT

Another guilty, guilty pleasure, but what can I tell you? A tall woman who kicks ass and takes names gets me off.

LOOKING FOR RICHARD

Al Pacino’s all-star exploration of Richard III. Who knew theater could be this interesting. The only flaw? Winona Ryder.

LORD OF THE RINGS TRILOGY

Not being a fan of the books, I can tell you every single movie was too damn long (especially that last one where Frodo would NOT. STOP. FUCKING. FALLING.), but these are good movies. Best seen at home on DVD in their complete versions where you can take breaks and get a life---unlike this film’s primary audience.

LOST IN SPACE

You know, this makes me think I should just break out all the “guilty pleasure” movies. Sorry, but I liked this too. It was too long and the story needed a real bad guy, but it had a great cast and I enjoyed it.

LOST WORLD

See Jurassic Park comments.

love & basketball

It’s too long and the writer obviously had some score to settle with her mom, leading to one really useless scene, but when it scores, it scores. It’s Sanaa Lathan’s movie and she runs with it.

LOVE ACTUALLY

The writer of Four Weddings & A Funeral and Notting Hill takes the directorial reins…and proves why he’s a writer and not a director. Now, when it’s funny, it’s damn funny. When it’s romantic, it’s damn romantic. But when it’s depressing, it just drags the film down into hell and you spend some time in depression hell in this movie. But maybe the greatest Brit cast outside of a Harry Potter movie and some of them are in the Harry Potter movies.

M

MAD DOG TIME

Guilty pleasure. A Rat Pack movie without The Rat Pack, directed by Joey Bishop’s son with Jeff Goldbum in the Sinatra role, Gregory Hines as Sammy Davis, Ellen Barkin as Angie Dickenson, Diane Lane as Shirley McLaine and so on. Not to mention Richard Dryfuss, Gabriel Byrne, Billy Idol, Kyle McLachlan, Burt Renoylds, Henry Silva, Richard Pryor, Paul Anka and Joey Bishop himself. Not very good at all, but I liked it. I’ve got so many problems.

MAD MAX

Before Road Warrior there was this, which is in some ways more disturbing than the sequel because you see the last remnants of mankind struggling to survive, not to mention the death of Max’s wife and child. It had to be dubbed over because the Australian accents were so thick.

MADE IN HEAVEN

Another terminal romance from Alan Rudolph about two souls who meet in heaven and have 30 years to find each other again on earth. He was so dissatisfied with what the studio did, he wanted to take his name off of it. I still love it.

MADONNA TRUTH OR DARE

Madonna’s second best film. She should only play herself. As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned to truly appreciate her blowjob technique.

MALICE

This made me a believer in Nicole Kidman as an actress, but to tell you why would ruin the surprises. Alec Baldwin, however, as an egomaniacal surgeon is amazing. His “I am God” speech is classic.

MALLRATS

Kevin Smith’s second movie and like most films after a success, overindulgent. I still like it, because, as a geek, I get all the comic book jokes.

THE MALTESE FALCON

John Huston’s first film and one of his best and he essentially filmed the book without changing a thing. Bogie locks down the definitive portrayal of the hardboiled detective.

A MAN CALLED HERO

A Hong Kong actioner that needs to be seen solely because, years before X-Men, this has two super-powered fighters duking it out on the Statue of Liberty AND THEY FUCKING DESTROY IT! It’s quite fun to watch. Maybe I should watch more than that scene.

MANHATTAN

Woody Allen’s darker antecedent to Annie Hall and his first big hint about what a creepy bastard he could be. We just didn’t listen.

MANHUNTER

The first appearance of Hannibal Lechter, done wonderfully by Brian Cox. Here you also meet the man who captured him to begin with. You gotta love a movie whose entire climax is set to “Inna Gotta Di Vitta.”

MASTER & COMMANDER: ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD

Hey, if you like movies about sailing in the 18th century, and I know you do, then this is your film. Even if you don’t, this is a good, old-fashioned adventure movie. Russell Crow and Paul Bettany give us a great relationship that’s pretty much Kirk and McCoy at sea. Sorry, no one is doing Mr. Spock.

MAURICE

The gay companion piece to Room With A View with many of the same cast members, only it’s not a comedy. It’s no less romantic or beautiful though. And it even has a happy ending. Hugh Grant stars. No, I’m not in love with him. He just happens to be in a few movies I like.

MARRIED TO THE MOB

Jonathan Demme’s other great 80’s romantic comedy and part of Alec Baldwin’s Supporting Bastard period (Working Girl, She’s Having A Baby).

MASK OF ZORRO

Nicely entertaining update of the Zorro story with Antonio Banderas.

THE MATRIX

One of the oldest science fiction ideas (the world you see isn’t real) with some Hong Kong, comic book action violence thrown in.

THE MATRIX RELOADED

Underrated follow-up to the first that introduces some interesting new characters and concepts, only to piss them away in the final film. Still, this has two centerpiece action sequences that need to be seen to be believed.

MEAN GIRLS

It’s Heathers with all the wit but none of the fun killing.

MEMENTO

Modern day noir that manages to innovative but obey all the film noir rules of conduct. I saw the ending coming, but enjoyed it just the same.

MEN IN BLACK

Another great New York comedy that sometimes gets lost behind all the special effects. Tommy Lee Jones may be the ultimate straight man.

MERCY

Ever fantasize about Peta Wilson from La Femme Nikita trying to seduce Ellen Barkin? Okay, so it’s just me then. Well, me and this director who gives us that scene in this movie about a serial killer preying on rich, closeted lesbians.

METRO

I’m a sucker for movies in San Francisco and this action film with Eddie Murphy is proof of it. It looks good, has some nice action sequences and one of my favorite actors, Michael Wincott.

METROPOLITAN

Whit Stillman’s first film about the Manhattan’s Upper East Side debs and the economically challenged West Sider who joins them.

MIAMI RHAPSODY

The best film Woody Allen never made with Sarah Jessica Parker in the wisecracking Woody Allen role. Mia Farrow is even here as her mother.

MIAMI VICE

I loved the series so I was down for seeing Michael Mann do his thing unfettered. The movie isn’t a barrel of laughs but without all the flash and glamour you get the gritty head on. Colin Farrell and Jamie Foxx are two deadly serious undercover vice cops in Miami who may crack three smiles between them for the entire movie. The two big bust scenes are stunning. It’s none of this bullshit of one angry cop taking down a hundred mobsters. They plan, they prepare, they have a shitload of back up and they follow orders from their commanding officer. But of course, because it’s a movie, our guys shoot better and the bad guys miss and then die. The hostage rescue scene is especially nice and may just make Elizabeth Rodriguez a star. God knows I love her now. Nothing like a woman who knows how to use a large firearm.

MILLER'S CROSSING.

The Coen Brothers unofficial version of Dashiel Hammett’s Red Harvest. I didn’t like it at first, but a second viewing proved to be the charm.

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE 2

John Woo takes over the franchise and remakes Notorious---if Cary Grant was really short and did kung-fu off a motorcycle.

THE MODERNS

Alan Rudolph’s romantic, yet cynical film about expatriates in Paris in the 20’s, complete with Hemmingway as a supporting character. The usual Rudolph regulars of Keith Carradine and Genevieve Bujuold are here as well.

MONKEY BUSINESS

Cary Grant is god and this is his movie. This is not a Marilyn Monroe movie. The damn monkey is in it more than her.

MONKEYBONE

A potentially interesting film ruined by the influence of Chris “Spawn of Fucking Hell” Columbus. You can hear the director’s heart breaking in the commentary as he talks about his how his film was essentially ruined by the man. But it still interesting to watch just to see “what might have been.” And the last twenty minutes is freaking hysterical.

MONSTERS, INC.

An entertaining installment from Pixar and Disney, but not up their usual levels. But it’s still better than fucking Shrek and should have beaten it for Best Animated Film that year.

MONTY PYTHON & THE HOLY GRAIL

The funniest thing about this movie? It’s probably one of the most accurate depictions of the middle ages that you’ll ever see. “And after the spanking, the oral sex!”

MONTY PYTHON'S THE MEANING OF LIFE

“Every sperm is sacred/Every sperm is great/And if one sperm is wasted/God gets quite irate…”

MR. JEALOUSY

Noah Baumbach’s much superior second effort is one of the better and more interesting romantic comedies in recent years. Eric Stoltz is the boyfriend so jealous of his girlfriend’s ex, that he joins the ex’s therapy group to spy on him. Bridget Fonda makes a cameo, so it’s all good.

MULAN

What does it say that I love the song that Donny Osmond does in this?

THE MUMMY

Thoroughly enjoyable update of the classic Mummy, but I still miss the guy who limped and strangled people with one hand.

THE MUMMY RETURNS

Take the first movie, fill it with twice as much and double the pace.

THE MUPPET MOVIE

I’m still pissed Kermit didn’t win best song at the Oscars the year this was released. He was nominated, but some bullshit song by Dionne Warwick from Norma Rae won.

MY FAVORITE WIFE

Cary Grant is god in this unofficial sequel to The Awful Truth.

MY FAVORITE YEAR

Based on Mel Brooks’s actual experience babysitting John Barrymore for Sid Caesar’s Your Show of Shows. Yet another well-deserved Oscar nomination for Peter O’Toole.

MY LIFE AS A DOG

A Swedish boy gets sent to his grandmother’s eccentric village in this, my second favorite foreign film of all time.

N

NARC

So gritty you think maybe they actually made it in the 70’s. To bad Joe Carnahan had to make a deal with the devil to get this done. Now the devil is calling in his marker. Yes, Joe Carnahan is now directed Mission Impossible 3 with Tom Cruise, who was one of the producers of Narc.

NATIONAL LAMPOON'S ANIMAL HOUSE

The ultimate slob comedy, but what people miss is the presence of actual wit behind all the bare breasts and booze. “Those Negroes stole our dates!”

NEMESIS

A surprisingly entertaining low budget science fiction movie about a war between humans and robots in the future which has the novel idea that killer robots should all look like supermodels.

THE NEPHEW

How can a movie produced by and featuring Pierce Brosnan not get a release in this country? It’s a very nice little movie about young man going to Ireland to visit relatives he’s never known after his mother’s death. Oh, did I mention he was Black? Yeah, there ya go.

THE NIGHT WE NEVER MET

Matthew Broderick and Anabella Sciorra in this romantic comedy about people who share a village apartment on different days. The apartment is actually on Morton Street right across from my friends.

9 1/2 WEEKS

Another guilty pleasure. Say what you want about Adrian Lyne (and I have) but his movies look good and it never looked better than his depiction of a sleek, downtown Manhattan of the 80’s. Back before Mickey Rourke destroyed himself with plastic surgery. Great soundtrack too.

NINJA SCROLL

Lone ninja Jubeii faces off with the Seven Demons of Kimon with only a female ninja whose very kiss means poison death at his side. My favorite Japanese anime movie of all. Excessive sex, violence and nudity. What more do you want?

NOTES ON A SCANDAL

What seems to be the story of teacher Cate Blanchett having an affair with her underage student, is actually the story of Judi Densch as an angry, aging lesbian spinster who manipulates her co-worker’s fucked up affair to draw the woman into her own life. And you get Bill Nighy too! Also, this has sense of humor about itself in the way that only the British can do, as Judi Densch’s sharp tongue lacerates anyone who dares cross her path. But most importantly of all, we get it all done in 93 minutes. How is it only the Brits know you can tell a good story (and still win awards) in less than three fucking hours?

NORTH BY NORTHWEST

Cary Grant is god and this is one of his many collaborations with Alfred Hitchcock. By the way, it’s mean to be fun, so take it that way.

NOTORIOUS

Cary Grant is god, Ingrid Bergman is a goddess and they’re together under Alfred Hitchcock. What more do you want?

O

ON THE TOWN

Gene Kelly is a god and here he’s with Frank Sinatra in sailor suits on a Technicolor tour of New York of the 40’s.

ONCE UPON A TIME IN MEXICO

The final chapter of the El Mariachi trilogy and by far the best. The beauty quotient alone (Johnny Depp, Antonio Banderas, Salma Hayek, Eva Mendes and yes, Enrique Iglesias) makes it worth seeing. But it’s also funny and unusually focused director Robert Rodriquez.

ONE FINE DAY

Michele Pfeiffer and George Clooney in a romantic comedy set in Manhattan. Should have been better, but some idiot decided that the colors of New York are brown and yellow, when anyone can tell you they’re blue and gray.

OPERATION PETTICOAT

Cary Grant is god and teaches the fine art of the comic reaction shot as he deals with Tony Curtis, and a bunch of nurses on a pink sub in the middle of WWII. Trivia: Tony Curtis actually spent WWII on a sub where the only film was Gunga Din. He memorized every word and subsequently imitated Cary Grant in Some Like It Hot.

OPPOSITE OF SEX

Christina Ricci is the sister from hell to Martin Donavan in this dark comedy

OUT OF SIGHT

A perfect movie from Steven Soderbergh. Acting, writing, editing...you name it works. Hell, the man makes Detroit in the winter look sexy and creates chemistry between George Clooney and Jennifer Lopez even though Clooney hated her guts and she was in full diva bitch mode.

P

PALM BEACH STORY

The perfect comedy. Period. This is how you know the AFI lists are bullshit. Not one of his films was on the AFI 100 list, but fucking Forrest Gump was.

PAN'S LABYRINTH

I won’t pretend this isn’t a very good film; I just hate the way it ended. This is why people hate foreign films and why Hollywood rules the world.

THE PEACEMAKER

Underrated action movie with George Clooney and Nicole Kidman back when he was still doing that same head-bobbing thing that Soderbegh stopped.

PEE WEE'S BIG ADVENTURE

Probably the best film Tim Burton ever made and will ever make, but I give Pee Wee Herman more credit for that than him.

PEOPLE WILL TALK

Cary Grant’s in it and that’s all you need to know. Okay, fine. He’s a compassionate doctor in a small town fighting against tiny minds. What could be better!?!

A PERFECT MURDER

The underrated remake of “Dial M For Murder” with Michael Douglas doing that rich bastard thing he does so well. Also along is a pre-Rings Viggo Mortenson as Gwyneth Paltrow’s love interest. Rumor has it, he was the reason Brad dumped her. Yes, she was wrong, but can you really blame her? 24-years-old and having love scenes with Viggo?

THE PHILADELPHIA STORY

Cary Grant is god and he’s matched with other movie deities Katherine Hepburn and Jimmy Stewart. The script is almost perfect if not for the father blaming his daughter for his dalliance with a stripper because she didn’t love him enough. I can’t believe I’m the only who noticed how fucking creepy that was.

PIRATES OF THE CARRIBEAN

Johnny Depp channels Keith Richards and totally carries this movie that by all rights should have been D.O.A. But do you think seeing Keira Knightley on the set every day gave him Winona flashbacks?

PLAIN CLOTHES

Martha Coolidge is one of my favorite directors and this is a small gem from her with more wit and humor than your average high school flick deserves. I learned another e.e. cummings poem from this movie (“she being brand new”).

PLANET OF THE APES

Very much a product of its time (thinly disguised treatise on race; the monkeys are obviously meant to be Black people), but that only makes it more enjoyable. And nothing is more fun than Charlton Heston’s misanthropic rantings throughout the film.

POSSESSION

Neil LaBute stops hating people long enough to adapt this romantic novel of two academics who fall in love while researching the possible affair of two 19th century poets. Of course these particular academics happen to look like Gwyneth Paltrow and Aaron Eckhart. Yeah, she hooked up with him too.

THE PRINCESS BRIDE

Smart, funny satirical take on fairy tales based on the William Goldman novel. My big problem with this is that Cary Elwes was prettier than Robin Wright. Not that she isn’t attractive, but her square jaw pales in comparison to his delicate bone structure. And this has to be Mandy Patinkin’s finest hour.

PROOF OF LIFE

What if Victor Lazlo were still in the prison camp and Humphrey Bogart and Claude Rains had to go rescue him? The result would be this movie and I can’t understand why it didn’t do better. Maybe it’s because they cut the sex scene between Russell Crowe and Meg Ryan at her request. David Caruso is just as entertaining as Claude Rains was as the sidekick but he gets to curse.

PULP FICTION

Tarantino’s finest hour. He’ll never do this again. Am I the only one who understands that this is a comedy from start to finish?

PUMP UP THE VOLUME

A very good, but underrated film, not to mention dated in the wake of the internet. Now, a pirate radio station seems almost quaint. Great soundtrack.

THE PUNISHER

Not a good movie at all, but so superior to the recent version it hurts. Rainy Saturday afternoon rental.

PURPLE RAIN

Best description I ever heard of this was “a bad Italian porn flick set to music” which doesn’t change the fact that the music is still incredible and it’s so-bad-it’s-good.

Q

THE QUEEN

Helen Mirren becomes Queen Elizabeth, period. That’s all you need to know.

QUEEN OF THE DAMNED

It’s not a good movie, but it’s trashy fun. Sexy, decadent vampires. What more do you want?

THE QUICK AND THE DEAD

Sam Rami’s homage to spaghetti westerns with Sharon Stone as the “woman with no name.” Better than you think and she had the foresight not only to cast Leonardo DeCaprio and Russell Crowe, but fought and took a pay cut to have them. Shame that seems to only have been a flash of brilliance. Since then she’s been trying to make a sequel to Basic Instinct. Sigh.

THE QUIET MAN

A totally sentimental, practically fantasy depiction of Ireland to point where most Irish hate it. Here in America though, we love it and I am no exception. One of John Wayne’s best movies and Maureen O’Hara is simply gorgeous.

R

RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK

Derivative as hell of old movie serials and violent is still deserves the “R” Spielberg, but still more fun than you can shake a stick at. It was never this good again, especially when Spielberg replaced the wonderful, talented charismatic Karen Allen with annoying and generic blonde shicksas (one of whom he married).

RAISING ARIZONA

My favorite Coen Brother’s film and in my opinion, their best. “Her womb was a rocky crag where my seed could find no purchase.” “I need a baby, Hi. They got more than they can handle.” “What he’s trying to say, ma’am, is that we found the institution no longer had anything to offer us.”

RAPID FIRE

Not the best movie in the world, but Brandon Lee kicks major ass for a solid ninety minutes and that’s good enough for me.

REAL GENIUS

Another Martha Coolidge effort with Val Kilmer back before he went insane. For the most part she seems to have a knack for finding smart scripts within a dumb genre (wacky college kids).

RED RIVER

Mutiny on the High Range. I met the nephew of the writer and he told me that after Howard Hawks changed the ending, the writer never spoke to Hawks again. I’m so down with that it hurts, because the new ending is so forced and makes no sense given what’s occurred beforehand. Still one the best westerns ever made, if not the best.

RED ROCK WEST

Back before she became a skank and before he became a whore, Lara Flynn Boyle and Nicholas Cage made this nice little modern day film noir. Dennis Hopper is on hand as yes, a ruthless killer.

THE REPLACEMENT KILLERS

Chow Yun Fat’s first Hollywood actioner is less than ninety minutes and so spare on dialogue it could easily be a silent film, but as smooth and effective as a shot of 12-year-old scotch.

REPO MAN

Alex Cox is one of those directors who makes a great a distinct first film and never lives up to it. And Emilio Estevez never made a better film. Both he and Charlie have at least one.

RESTAURANT

Earthy little film from across the river in Jersey starring one of my favorite actors, Adrian Brody. Also starring Lauryn Hill and the kid from Big, who plays pot-smoking, whore-loving cook.

THE RIGHT STUFF

At one point Sam Shepard was all I ever wanted to be and when he played Chuck Yeager in this movie it was the cherry on top. Also starring Ed Harris, Dennis Quaid, Scott Glenn, Fred Ward and a cameo by the real Chuck Yeager. See this and learn how to be a man.

RIO BRAVO

How can you not love a western that has a duet between Ricky Nelson and Dean Martin? Not to mention Angie Dickinson at her peak so you can understand why JFK slept with her. Oh yeah, John Wayne is in this too.

THE ROAD WARRIOR

Imagine being beaten for two hours and enjoying every minute of it. That’s what this movie is like. I try to forget they actually made a third Mad Max movie.

ROBOCOP

To this day I cannot watch Peter Weller’s “crucifixion” by bullets. It scared me to find out there was an even more graphic version of the scene. But I was pissed that they cut the scene where he stabs the guy in the neck at the end. Sorry, but he had it coming after all the shit he does in this movie.

ROBOCOP 2

I enjoyed this and I can’t tell you why. Maybe it’s the big stop motion animation fight at the end. Sigh. That’s a lost art in this day of computer animation. Written by Frank Miller.

THE ROCK

The other Michael Bay movie that I like, but it’s all because of the relationship between the two characters played by Nicholas Cage and Sean Connery. Other than that, it’s simply Die Hard on Alcatraz.

ROCKY BALBOA

Stallone does this character so well you can almost believe he’s an actor. It’s a nice little character study drama that’s unfortunately interrupted by a fight. I’d rather have simply watched this lion in winter go through his post-fight life trying to reconnect with his son.

RONIN

A lean, mean throwback to action movies of the 60’s and 70’s before something had to blow up every thirty seconds. The car chases alone justify this film’s existence.

A ROOM WITH A VIEW

One of my favorite romantic comedies of the 80’s and yes, that dweeb later turned into Daniel Day Lewis.

ROUGH MAGIC

An odd kinda of feminist romantic comedy fantasy set in the 40’s with Bridget Fonda and a pre-stardom Russell Crowe. Strangely, this is best seen with Woman On Top.

RULES OF ATTRACTION

Bad books tend to make good movies and this adaptation for the Bret Eaton Ellis novel is proof of. It’s about the empty lives of three students a college Andrew McCarthy was attending in Less Than Zero, one of whom is the brother of the would be serial killer in American Psycho. Quentin Tarantino’s partner Pulp Fiction, Roger Avary, actually succeeds in giving this movie a soul the horrific book never had. Throw in some nice screen tricks that emphasize rather than distract from the story and you’re got yourself a good movie.

RUSHMORE

Wes Anderson may have doomed himself by making this great movie so early in his career. He may never be this on the money again. It’s rare that a comedy allows its protagonist to be unlikable without making him the butt of all the jokes.

RUTLES

I saw this when it was still called “All You Need Is Cash” and first premiered on NBC. George Harrison thought it was brilliant and it wasn’t until I grew up and learned more about the Beatles that I realized how right he was. Sadly, I lost the soundtrack album that had a booklet included.

S

SALOME'S LAST DANCE

Another entry from Ken Russell’s twisted 80’s phase. A whorehouse puts on Oscar Wilde’s play with Wilde there in attendance. It’s an acquired taste, but if you have it, it’s a great movie.

SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER

From the first beat of the music the last scene, this almost never misses a beat. People remember the music, but miss the story about a working class kid daring to think he can break out of his dead end world in a Brooklyn neighborhood. The whole point of Stephanie is that she’s his mirror image.

SAY ANYTHING

The romantic comedy of the 80’s that fucked up a generation of women who not only believe this guy exists, but that he’s something like John Cusack. Cusack is a poser, boys and girls, but this movie is still good. Cameron Crowe’s first directorial effort.

SEA OF LOVE

Ellen Barkin at her sexy peak with Al Pacino before the eye job, when his bags gave him character. John Goodman is also on hand lending solid supporting work, not to mention William Hickey as Pacino’s dad.

THE SEARCHERS

Some say John Wayne’s best western. It’s odd, but with actors like Wayne and Jimmy Stewart they were at their best when they played darker. Here, Wayne is out with Jeffrey Hunter (Captain Christopher Pike to you Star Trek geeks) to find his niece, Natalie Wood, who was kidnapped by Indians as a child. Soon you realize that he’s out not to bring her back, to kill her, because after ten years, she’s no longer White to him.

SECRETARY

Another hit in James Spader’s repertoire of sexual freaks and what’s great is no two are the same. He is to sex freaks what Dennis Hopper is to bad guys. But the story of a masochistic girl who goes to work for a sadistic boss aside, this is actually a sweet and funny romantic comedy. Complete with a happy ending.

SENSE & SENSIBILITY

My second favorite Ang Lee movie, with all the usual suspects of Hugh Grant, Kate Winslet and Emma Thompson, who dared to write this wonderful screenplay. I’d forgotten how good Alan Rickman was until watching it again recently.

SERENDIPITY

I’ve no excuse for this except that it’s a romantic comedy set in my two favorite cities in the world (New York & San Francisco) and stars Kate Beckinsale. That’s it. I won’t pretend it’s anything more. I love it for the one scene on the airplane with Jeffrey Piven that defines what true romance is.

sex, lies & videotape

The beginning from Steven Soderbergh and another one of those movies I can watch at any time for any reason. Andie McDowell is in this, but I don’t remember seeing a block of wood. Laura San Giacomo would never again give this great a performance, but her sitcom is syndicated now, so she’s not hurting. By the way, Soderbergh was 26 when he did this, so know that you’re wasting your life.

SGT. PEPPER’S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND

A bad, bad movie, but it must be seen just to be believed anyone, anywhere ever thought this was a good idea. Besides, most of the musical performances are good, some even great, like Earth Wind & Fire doing “Got To Get You Into My Life” and Aerosmith’s “Come Together.” But skip anything where an old person sings. The George Burns number is what they play in hell.

SHAFT

Not “the” blaxploitation movie, but one of the big three (Sweet Sweetback and Superfly are the other two). Before Travolta strutted the streets of Brooklyn, Shaft strutted the streets of Manhattan to the best theme song ever. Most of the dialogue borders on comedy now, but better this than the Samuel Jackson remake. And it’s actually part of a trilogy. Shaft in Africa and Shaft’s Big Score are the other two.

SHAKESPEARE IN LOVE

I became a Gwyneth Paltrow believer before this, but this nailed the coffin shut. Even Ben Affleck is good in this, but given the talent surrounding you them (Geoffrey Rush, Judi Dench, Colin Firth, Tom Wilkinson with a script by Tom Stoppard) who wouldn’t be. My only question is, didn’t anyone notice how much Joseph Finnes was looking like Prince during production?

SHAOLIN SOCCER

The biggest film in Hong Kong history, the story of a group of former Shaolin Monks who use their martial arts skill to play soccer, with spoofs of everything from musicals, Bruce and even Saving Private Ryan.

SHE'S HAVING A BABY

Sadly underrated effort from 80’s teen king, John Hughes. I loved it, though. Another entry in Alec Baldwin’s Supporting Bastard Film of the 80’s (with blonde streaks in his hair no less). The great soundtrack introduced me to Everything But The Girl for the first time and debuted the amazing, amazing Kate Bush song “This Woman’s Work.” If you don’t cry when it’s being played onscreen, you’re not human---and I’ll have to kill your undead ass.

SHREK 2

I hated the first one with a passion, but this time around they decided to imitate Pixar more with nonstop throwaway jokes on an adult level and it works. I don’t know if the kids are going to get the giant gingerbread man is named after a character from “Blazing Saddles” but I sure did and it’s one of about a hundred.

SIDEWALKS OF NEW YORK

Imagine Woody Allen’s Husbands and Wives funnier and with better looking people and happy endings. Then you’d have this Ed Burns clone of Woody Allen right at his fall.

SILENCE OF THE LAMBS

The rare sequel that surpasses the original (though I miss Iron Butterfly). What I remember most about this movie is that my roommate almost broke my hand off while watching it. I like to pretend they didn’t make a third.

SILVERADO

Lawrence Kasdan tried to make the ultimate western and came very close, but he forgot the Indians.

SIMPLE MEN

Hal Hartley toying with the drama that would be his undoing. Still, it’s funnier than most complete comedies. Has my favorite phrase, “There’s no such thing as romance and adventure---just lust and trouble.” Amen, brother.

SINGIN' IN THE RAIN

The greatest musical ever made, period. Gene Kelly is a god. Cyd Chrarisse is a goddess and she’s wearing green!

SINGLES

Underrated effort from Cameron Crowe, but a nice little romantic comedy nonetheless. One of the first aimed totally at my generation of X. Yes, that is Pearl Jam as Matt Dillon’s band.

SIXTEEN CANDLES

For me this will always be John Hughes best film. None of the self-important drama of his other teen works, just pure comedy. Horrible racism aside, Long Duk Dong rules!

SLIDING DOORS

My first inching towards liking Gwyneth Paltrow was her second time with the English accent (the first being Emma) in this romantic comedy, which actually gives her an English Trilogy. Great soundtrack too.

SOAPDISH

Top notch talent in this deliberately silly accounting of the daily going-ons at a network soap opera. Man, what the hell happened to Cathy Moriarty? Where’s that girl from Raging Bull?

SOMETHING WILD

Jonathan Demme’s other great 80’s romantic comedy, but with a darker edge. The movie that put Ray Liotta on the map.

SORRY WRONG NUMBER

Barbara Stanwyck is goddess, so bow down and pay homage to this film which garnered her fourth Academy Award nomination.

SOUTH PARK THE MOVIE

Probably the sharpest satire to come down the pike in the last ten years. And the only one with great Broadway spoofing songs. But where was Jesus, who is a regular on South Park? Yes, I see his halo at one point, but how could Satan show up and Jesus not be an important part of the storyline.

SPEED

Keanu Reeves finally found what he was good at: action movies. Not much talking, just look good, pretty boy. This was the movie that actually made Sandra Bullock a star, which is why she was dumb enough to sign on for the horrible sequel.

SPIDER-MAN

Flawed in so many ways, from the organic web-shooters to Kirsten Dunst being Mary Jane to awkward scenes of guys in weird outfits just standing there. But they got it right where it counts: Peter Parker. You get that right and all the rest is gravy and they got that right.

THE SPY WHO LOVED ME

One of my favorite Bond films. It was big, it was fun, Roger Moore hadn’t started sleepwalking yet and it had the most appropriate Bond theme song, “Nobody Does It Better.”

STAR TREK II: THE WRATH OF KAHN

The best of the Star Trek movies, but not my favorite

STAR TREK III: THE SEARCH FOR SPOCK

Not the best of the Star Trek movies, but my favorite. Why? It was the darkest and to be quite honest, II, III & IV are actually a trilogy. Each begins where the last ends. This could also be titled “Saving Mr. Spock” as it contained all the heroism that Saving Private Ryan lacked. Kirk and the crew give up everything to save Spock, not because of orders, but because, as heroes, they couldn’t not do it! One problem: Kirk would not have cried more for his son than for his ship. He knew that kid for five seconds, but the Enterprise was his life!

STAR TREK IV: THE VOYAGE HOME

The most fun of all the Star Trek movies and if you remember, some of the best episodes were comedies.

STAR TREK VI: THE UNDISCOVERED COUNTRY

All the Shakespeare may be new to most, but Star Trek always had a strong literary background, even back to the series, which featured takes on Moby Dick and Taming of the Shrew. This was a nice end to the original series of films.

STAR WARS

Formerly the biggest movie in history, and still the most successful science fiction movie of all time. Not the best of the three, but certainly the most fun.

STATE & MAIN

David Mamet shows you the insanity that goes behind the making of a movie. Philip Seymour Hoffman is the hapless writer who is thrown into the deep in of movie making insanity represented by Sarah Jessica Parker, Alec Baldwin, Julia Stiles and William H. Macy, none of whom are burdened by anything resembling a moral.

STILL CRAZY

A 70’s English rock band reunites with predictable results. I started laughing at the Mott The Hoople joke during the credits and pretty much didn’t stop until it was over. A perfect companion film for Spinal Tap and the music ain’t bad neither.

STORM RIDERS

A Hong Kong action filmed based on a comic book and anyone making a comic book film in America should be forced to watch it because they got it right.

STREETS OF FIRE

I love this movie and I don’t apologize for it. And you know what else? I love the music too. Dumb as hell, but I love it, love it, love it. And that dancer in the bar scene is the girl who actually did the dancing in Flashdance.

STRIPES

Harold Ramis is a comedy god and he’s with his leading man Bill Murray too. Not to mention an assortment of SCTV alums. “I’m pacing myself sergeant.”

SULLIVAN'S TRAVELS

Another near perfect comedy from Preston Sturges. I can’t say it enough. Those AFI lists are bullshit.

SUMMER SCHOOL

Dumb fun from Carl Reiner, and I’ll be damned if Mark Harmon didn’t miss his calling in slob comedies. He’s good at it. He was just too damn good looking.

SUPERMAN ANIMATED

If you want to see Superman done right, see this collection of cartoons from the Fleisher Brothers. Trivia: before this, Superman only jumped great distances, but because it looked better in the cartoons, the comics soon had him flying.

SUPERMAN THE MOVIE

The first hour and half of this movie is perfect, then it becomes Superman vs. the world’s greatest real estate scheme. And don’t get me started on that dumb ending. If you notice, he turns back time, but DOESN’T CHANGE ANYTHING! This means the same disaster just happened again. And even if he did stop the missile offscreen, that means it never hit, so no one remembers it hitting, so how is it Lois Lane is complaining about the earthquakes caused by the missile when the missile never hit?

SUPERMAN RETURNS

Twenty years. Twenty years I’ve waited for them to return Superman to the big screen and what do I get? "Lois Lane Returns" because it's mostly about with a decent, if miscast Kate Bosworth. He's either a distant savior, saying little and smiling beatifically at everyone and everything (when not striking so many Christ poses you’ll lose count), or he's bumbling co-worker Clark Kent, who is also at a loss for words. Basically, this film suffers from the same flaw that crippled King Kong. A director too busy paying homage to his favorite movie to make a new one. At first it’s fun seeing the same title sequence from the ’78; the music is simply incomparable so why change it? But repeated lines of dialogue? Similar plot which wasn’t that great thirty years ago? Are you fucking kidding me? Sigh. You’ll have to make do with the action sequences because they are pretty sweet.

SUPER TROOPERS

It’s funny from the word “go” but my personal favorite gag has to be the bear fucking scene. Yeah, you read that correctly.

THE SURE THING

It Happened One Night for teenagers and the credit sequence with Nicolette Sheridan harkens back to a time when women could be hot without big fake breasts. And yes, that is Tim Robbins in the role of “Gary Cooper…but not the one that’s dead.”

SURVIVING DESIRE

Hal Hartley’s short films. See the genesis of some of his later films. Sometimes, shot for shot.

SWORD & THE SORCERER

The fun movie Conan could have and should have been if only it didn’t take itself so damn seriously. This movie doesn’t and it’s great fun.

SWORDFISH

A great opening sequence and Halle Berry’s breasts. It’s enough for me and it’s enough for you too.

T

TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN

Before Zelig, Woody Allen used the mockumentary format in his first turn as writer/director/star. Not every joke is a winner, but enough work to get the job done.

TAO OF STEVE

A charming romantic comedy about a tubby womanizer who gives lessons in how ordinary guys can succeed by invoking macking style based on Steve McQueen, but finds himself undone by real affections.

TARZAN

Disney did a nice take on this, going where only animation could in their depiction of the ape man. Too bad about those lame Phil Collins song though.

TARZAN THE APE MAN

Johnny Weissmuller will always be the Tarzan by which all others are judged (Christopher Lambert lacked action and the animated version lacked the violence).

TARZAN AND HIS MATE

A rare good sequel and check out the pre-code nudity and Jane’s attire before they made Maureen O’ Sullivan wear a one-piece.

10 THINGS I HATE ABOUT YOU

A surprising witty and well-done teen age update of Taming of the Shrew. Remains Heath Ledger’s best film. Though that’s not saying much.

TERMINATOR

One of the best modern day science fiction B-movies ever made and don’t kid yourself, this is a total B-movie. Ironically, this is the film that put Arnold over the top, but in it he plays the bad guy.

TERMINATOR 2: JUDGEMENT DAY

Another rare sequel that surpasses the original, though going almost a full half-hour without your bad guy is a major pacing mistake. And Linda Hamilton is a super sexy lean, mean fighting machine.

TERMINATOR 3: RISE OF THE MACHINES

Better than it had any right to be and the bleak ending keeps to the spirit of the original.

THAT TOUCH OF MINK

Cary Grant is god even in this anemic romantic comedy with Doris Day.

THAT THING YOU DO

Funny how I like the Tom Hanks movies that failed, especially this little gem which he directed and co-stars. The guys actually behind the music are better known now as Fountains of Wayne.

THE 13TH WARRIOR

Underrated action film from John McTiernan starring Antonio Banderas as an Arab banished to Viking country for loving the sheik’s wife. Two hours of macho men and bloody sword-fighting fun. I have friends so into this type of thing, this movie is practically an erotic film in their home. It’s close to it in mine as well.

THE THOMAS CROWN AFFAIR

Forget the silly original with Steve McQueen, this is the version to see. The ultimate fantasy made real, to be rich, gorgeous and leading an exciting life in Manhattan. Rene Russo is the perfect independent woman’s role model. I forego my redheaded bigotry for her.

THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY

The Farrelly Brothers finest moment, which may never come again, judging by every film that’s followed it. Proof that almost any taboo can be broken so long as you’re truly funny about it.

THIEF

One of Michael Mann’s earliest efforts about professional thief doing his one last gig before retirement. The closing slow motion gunfight set to a score by Tangerine Dream is great.

THIN MAN

Based on a Dashiell Hammett novel, though it was never as much fun as partying couple of Myrna Loy and William Powell. A bunch of sequels followed, but this was my favorite.

THIS IS SPINAL TAP

The mockumentary by which all others are judged, and while not my personal favorite (that would be The Rutles) is still great. “Big bottom/big bottom/talk about mudflaps/my girl’s got ‘em/big bottom drive me out of my mind/how could I leave this…behind!”

300

if I were an angry, sexually frustrated 14-year-old boy, this would be the greatest movie ever made. And even though I’m not, it’s not bad. Entertaining style, but no content. And if that 14-year-old boy is confused as well as frustrated, this will help him there too, as the Spartans strangely wear no body armor. Why should they, when it would cover their six packs, whose sight alone should send the enemy scurrying away with shame? So you’ve got muscular, half-naked men with spears. Hmmm.

THREE O’CLOCK HIGH

Girls never get this movie, but every guy does. There is no longer day than the one where you have fight somebody after school. One of the better, underrated teen comedies of the 80’s.

TIL THERE WAS YOU

Dylan McDermott and Jeanne Tripplehorn spend a lifetime nearly meeting in this romantic comedy, that features Sarah Jessica Parker expertly playing a bitchy former child star obviously based on Marcia Brady.

TIN MEN

The second entry in Barry Levinson’s Baltimore Trilogy. You know the home improvement business the Mickey Rourke was supposed to go into at the end of Diner? Well, this is it. And the character that buys him out of his debt is here too.

TO CATCH A THIEF

Cary Grant is god and while Grace Kelly is a goddess to some, not to me. The cool blonde thing just doesn’t work for me. Still, they look great together here on the French Rivera in glorious color.

TO DIE FOR

Nicole Kidman excels in playing bitchy characters and never better than her lead here as an ambitious newscaster who seduces a high school student so he’ll kill her husband. By they way, it’s a comedy written by Buck Henry and directed by Gus Van Sant.

TO HAVE AND HAVE NOT

Bogie and Bacall were never better than this movie based not so much on a story by Ernest Hemmingway as it is a bet that Hemmingway made with director Howard Hawks that he couldn’t make that depressing story into a movie. Papa lost.

TOTAL RECALL

Based on yet another one of Philip K. Dick’s science fiction stories of paranoia, this blood drenched action film was originally supposed to star Richard Dreyfuss as the everyman. How he got replaced by Arnold Schwarzanegger is anyone’s guess. Best part: Sharon Stone vs. Rachel Ticotin. It couldn’t have been hotter if they had sex.

TOY STORY

Pixar’s first great movie. The marriage of computer-generated animation and toys is a match made in heaven.

TOY STORY 2

Hands down better than the original which is saying a lot. Even the technology has improved and Sarah McLachlan’s song with Randy Newman is the only good song he’s ever written for the movies.

THE TREATMENT

Chris Eigeman (an indie mainstay and one of my favorite actors) plays a teacher in therapy with an almost vicious therapist played by Ian Holm, who utterly berates him about how he lives his life. When Eigeman meets Famke Janssen, a widow with a child at the school where he teaches, he starts imagining Ian Holm appearing constantly in his private life to continually give him more insulting advice. The irony is, it begins working, but then he has to begin fighting to discontinue therapy, which Ian Holm will not allow. It’s a good romantic comedy, character driven and smart, not the providence of you fuckers with your head up Meg Ryan’s or Julia Roberts’s ass for the last twenty years. It was ultimately named Best Made In NY Narrative Feature at The Tribeca Film Festival.

TRON

The godfather of all computer-animated movies and special effects still holds up after all these years. They guys at Pixar will tell you: without this, there is no Toy Story. I always loved it.

TROUBLE IN MIND

Another romantic movie from Alan Rudolph this time set in a future that’s somehow crossed with the 1940’s. Kris Kristofferson is an ex-cop just out of prison who’s trying to protect Lori Singer. Rudolph’s usual suspects of Keith Carradine, Genevieve Bujold are here as well.

TRUE LOVE

A comedy about an Italian-American wedding in the Bronx with future Sopranos’ vets, Anabella Sciorra, Vincent Pastore and Aida Turturro. Also here is Ron Eldred as the dim-witted groom who wants to go hang with his buddies on his wedding night.

TRUST

Probably Hal Hartley’s best film and my personal favorite. Martin Donavan does his brilliant misanthrope role to perfection here.

THE TRUTH ABOUT CATS AND DOGS

Janene Garafalo regrets it now, but this is not a bad movie. Could have used a little more of her bitter humor and less romantic cliché but still a nice little film.

THE TV SET

Wanna know why TV tends to suck? This comedy from director Lawrence Kasdan and produce by Judd Apatow who both suffered through network TV will explain why. David Duchovny is the writer producer of the show (based partially on Apatow), while Sigourney Weaver is the network boss making his life miserable.

2046

The sequel to In The Mood For Love and if you’re going to watch it, I recommend a Friday or Saturday night, because you’re going to need a full day’s recovery from all the heartache and longing involving Tony Leung and the most beautiful women in Chinese cinema including Maggie Cheung, Gong Li and Zhang Ziyi (named Bai Ling, who is not in this movie). The film jumps constantly in time. We begin in the future of one of his stories, then into his actual past and then jump forward at intervals and in and out of the stories. Some times it’s 10 minutes, other times its 100 days, and there are reoccurring jumps to Christmas Eves from 1965 to 1969. And do you really need me to tell you it’s absolutely stunning to see? And you gotta long Wong Kar Wai’s love of putting women in 60’s dresses so tight and heels so high it looks like even Chinese women have asses.

TWO MOON JUNCTION

Before Red Shoe Diaries, but after 9 1/2 Weeks, Zalaman King crafted this better-than-you-think-but-still-cheese soft core film about a genteel southern debutante who meets a handsome carny days before her wedding day. A must if for nothing but Kristy McNichol as hard drinking, foul mouthed, truck driving girl who doffs her top at a moment’s notice. Yep, you heard me. Kristy McNichol topless. And Sherilyn Fenn topless and bottomless, showing how fake that blonde hair really is.

TWO WEEKS NOTICE

I’m still unbelievably shocked and amazed how much I enjoyed this film. Probably because I didn’t expect even basic competence from the man who brought us Miss Congeniality. But this is actually funnier and smarter than your average romantic comedy. Not by much, but still…

U

THE UNBEARABLE LIGHTNESS OF BEING

“Tek off your clothes.” Stop watching this when Daniel Day Lewis follows Juliette Binoche back to Yugoslavia and you’ll have an excellent, erotic romantic drama. Did I mention super-sexy Lena Olin is here as well?

THE UNBELIEVABLE TRUTH

Hal Hartley’s first full-length feature film. Pay attention. Almost every single cast member would turn up in later Hartley films.

UNDERWORLD

I don’t ask for much, so if you give me Kate Beckinsale in skintight leather with twin automatics in stylized action sequences, I’m good. Hell, the plot of vampires versus werewolves is now just fun gravy.

UNDERWORLD: EVOLUTION

No great shakes from the first, but like all sequels it suffers because what was once new is now old and what’s more they take us away from even that, specifically the vampire/werewolf war itself. In this one it’s our heroes fighting off the father of all vampires (and his brother, the father of all werewolves). All those werewolves and vampires you saw in the first are MIA in this film, so what we have is your standard run, chase, and fight movie. This isn’t to say it still isn’t a fun movie, but not as much fun as the first.

UNFAITHFUL

Adrian Lyne does sex better than most and this is no exception. Diane Lane deserved her Oscar nomination for a housewife who has an affair for no reason whatsoever. This is part of what makes it work. There’s no reason ever given or even hinted at for why she does what she does, only for why she stops. Too bad the movie takes a lame ninety degree turn at the end.

UPSIDE OF ANGER

Written and directed by the odious Mike Binder this is nothing less than the ultimate surprise as he almost pulls off this story of the magnificent Joan Allen as a repressed upper middle class woman whose apparent abandonment by her husband just allows her to erupt in all the rage she’s been repressing for years. The film succeeds only because of the performances of the actors in it, as the writing takes them nowhere. Kevin Costner all but wipes his slate clean of so many bad movies by playing this unofficial second act of one of his many baseball characters (the character has the jacket and same name of Davis from Bull Durham, but played for Detroit like the character from For Love Of The Game).

UNZIPPED

A documentary of the thoroughly entertaining Issac Mizrahi going through a slump then back to a success in 74 minutes. Cindy Crawford shows up for a hot moment, which makes my day.

V

VALLEY GIRL

You love this, I love this, we all love this movie. One of the best teen comedies of the 80’s. The reason the great soundtrack didn’t come out for a decade was because Frank Zappa wouldn’t allow it, so they had to wait until he died.

W

WALKING AND TALKING

My love for Anne Heche and Catherine Keener started here with this comedy about two life-long friends dealing with the impending marriage of one of them.

WARRIORS

“Warriors, come out to play-ee-ay!” Gang violence was never so much fun. One question: if they were a gang, a real gang, why didn’t they just steal a car and drive home?

WEST SIDE STORY

Straight men can appreciate great musicals too. My favorite number is “Cool.”

WHAT'S UP TIGER LILLY

Woody Allen took an actual Japanese spy movie and dubbed it over into this great comedy.

WHEN NIGHT IS FALLING

An incredibly beautiful film about a circus performer who seduces a professor at a Christian college. Did I mention they’re both beautiful women?

WHITE OLEANDER

Released at the wrong time of year, this drama has top notch performances from all of its leading ladies (Michelle Pfeiffer, Renee Zellweger, Robin Wright), but none so much as Alison Lohman, who carries this film on her back. And Michelle Pfeiffer was never so beautiful than as a sociopath who gets Hannibal Lechter on a woman she doesn’t like and literally talks her into suicide.

WILD SIDE

One of the strangest movies you will ever see. Ready? Okay, Anne Heche is an investment banker by day, hooker by night who meets up with money launderer Christopher Walken who needs her to move cash (aside from hooker duties) so he sends his wife (Joan Chen) in to do the deal and she and Anne Heche fall in love. I can’t begin to explain how Chen walks in on Walken who’s about to sodomize his chauffeur at gunpoint because the chauffeur---who’s actually an undercover federal agent---raped Heche earlier. And this is the edited version. The director killed himself after the studio recut his film.

WINCESTER ’73

One of the best westerns ever. Jimmy Stewart is a man chasing after a prized gun and his arch enemy as they pass through Wyatt Earp, roaming bands of bad guys, Calvary vs. Indians (with Tony Curtis in the Calvary and Rock Hudson leading the Indians) and Shelly Winters. They don’t make ‘em much better than this.

WINGS OF THE DOVE

Beautiful tragic romance story starring Helena Bonham Carter as woman who convinces her middle class lover to seduce a dying heiress so he can get her money and they can be together. Is there any way that story could have ended well?

WOMAN ON TOP

Not a great movie, but I’m predisposed to romantic comedies, movies set in San Francisco and movies about food. This combines the three along with a great sense of whimsy and a killer Brazilian jazz soundtrack. I can even overlook Penelope “Daughter of Gonzo The Great” Cruz in the title role.

WONDER BOYS

Michael Douglas makes a return to decent acting in this comedy about a middle-aged professor caught up in a 48 hour midlife crisis involving a brilliant writing student who’s also a pathological liar, another student trying to seduce him, his ommisexual agent, his married lover’s announcement that she’s pregnant with his child, a dead dog, a drag queen, a stolen car and two thousand page book that he cannot stop writing.

WORKING GIRL

Part of Melanie Griffith’s brief 80’s comeback (which ended with her breast implants and Bonfire of the Vanities), this movie has a special place in my heart because it’s about the Bridge & Tunnel girls that I love so much. Another entry into Alec Baldwin’s Supporting Bastard films of the 80’s.

X

X MEN

I wanted to hate this, but director Bryan Singer understood that the secret to the X-Men’s success was characterization, not action. Good thing too, ‘cause these action scenes are weak as hell.

X2

Well, they upped the action ante on this one, but kept the characters intact and it may actually be better than the first. But the long running time continues to be a problem.

XANADU

Gene Kelly’s last musical and even though it sucks, I love it still. I know every Olivia Newton John and ELO song by heart and I’m still pissed that the songs she sings at the movie’s climax have never been released.

Y

YELLOW SUBMARINE

The Blue Meanies scared me as a child and even as an adult make me uneasy. And one look at the animation and you know those people were on serious, serious drugs. The greatness of the songs, however, goes without saying. By the way, those aren’t The Beatles doing the voices, even though they do appear at the end.

YOU ONLY LIVE TWICE

One of my favorite Bond films and I can’t begin to tell you why. I think it was because as a child, I didn’t understand that Bond really didn’t die in the first five minutes. The fact that he rose from the grave just fascinated me. And the line “Why do Chinese girls taste different from other girls?” was totally over my head.

Z

ZELIG

Forrest Gump is shit. See this Woody Allen gem and know why. He plays a human chameleon who meets some of the most influential figures of the 20th Century.

ZERO EFFECT

Lawrence Kasdan’s son Jake demonstrates some chops in this low-key comedy about a modern day Sherlock Holmes named Daniel Zero, played by Bill Pullman, and his Dr. Watson, played by Ben Stiller.